The Changes, They Are All Timin'. Bill This!

So, there Joe was, suckin' down some luscious liquid protein (not as luscious as some of y'all might be thinking, but Joe appreciates the thought nevertheless), and catching up on the events of the day, legally speaking, when, like a "thwack" from a well-aimed belt, something hit him, right on his rock-hard butt-cheek (nummy cake, in the latest parlance, for those of you trying to keep up).

Joe kids. No, this one hit him right square between his perfectly formed eyebrows (which saves a total FORTUNE on waxing, let Joe tell YOU!).

Between Joe and you, and Joe wouldn't share this with just anybody, it seems that Managing Partners are all aflutter about the fallout from the trend toward going public. Okay, maybe not all aflutter. Twitterpated? Aghast? Stultified? Hey, Joe is WORKING here.

Okay, let Joe break it down for ya fellas (disclaimer: In this context, "fellas" means "y'all" but it wouldn't be nearly as lyrical to say "break it down for me ladies and gentlemen" as it is to say "break it down for me fellas," get it? Stupid PC, anyway. . . .you DO know that PC originally meant that which it was okay to say in Stalin's Cabinet without getting your head blown off, right? Joe's just saying.)

Ahhhhhhh, the wonders of the Benzodiazepines, those workhorses of the centrally-acting neuroleptic agents (Joe just made that up. Joe wouldn't know a neuroleptic agent if it walked up and bit him on the snout, but it SOUNDS good, don't it? What, by the way, IS a neuroleptic agent?).

Anyway, put aside the fact that most Managing Partners couldn't manage their way through a bowl of Oatmeal, and, like Military Intelligence, the title is, usually, Oxymoronic at best. What gets Joe right in the shorties is the fact that, apparently, a group of the self-anointed (we'll talk later about anointing yourself, during the "adult" section of the discussion) have decided that this is a "BAD" thing. "What about The Law," they decry! "What about The Clients!" they wail! Some brave souls say "Uh, what about my frickin' retirement, huh? What about that there?" Finally, an MP with, uh, "sisu" (ask a Japanese friend about sisu). You so rarely see it these days.

It's as refreshing to Joe as a cold Sciroccan wind wailing across the Schwartzwald, with a vengeance (another totally inside reference, but if you guess it, Joe will be well pleased). The truth is, these changes will force MPs to be more responsive to the needs of clients, and to the other, (dare Joe say it? Yes!), Stakeholders in the organisation, like real live Partners (those who work for a living), and Associates, and whatnot.

Now, don't misunderstand. Joe feels like this is a nexus. That y'all is about to fall up into. Joe doesn't know what a nexus is. But he wouldn't want to step in one. The dictionary says it's the "means of connection," but also that it's a link or a tie. But it's also the past participle of the Latin nectere which, as we all remember from Mrs. DeGroot's Latin Class and Psycho BootCamp, means "to bind." God bless Mrs. DeGroot. Without her, we never would have known what TRUE Psychological Warfare was, and so would NOT have been prepared for, you know, dating, law school, our first time, the O-face, you know what I'm saying.

So, about this nexus. Here's the link, for all you past participial debaters: Firm MPs, not so much. Office MPs, for the most part, two thumbs up. But they're usually given an almost impossible task. They're supposed to run the office, and STILL do lawyering. Are you on Crack? No really. Are you? It's hard enough to lawyer at any time. But you want me to run this monkey house AND put in Killable, I mean Billable hours at the same damn rate as the monkeys?

Look, Erik, I know we've talked about this before, but, seriously, before your brain shrinks ANY more than it has already, you have GOT to try to inhale WITHOUT hitting the pipe, at least OCCASIONALLY. And while we're on the subject, Dude, really, STOP talking about "Vitamin-E" like anybody believes it's anything other than what it is. . .when you moved the water dispenser INTO your office. . . .please.

But that's what most Firm MPs want. While we're on the subject, could we change the term? I mean, Joe doesn't know about you, but given the supressed giggles and, frankly, outright guffaws Joe hears whenever almost EVERY "Firm MP" in the industry is referred to by that title (especially by the receptionists. . .Joe's just saying. . .a word to the wise. . .), Joe suggests another, um, "styling" or perhaps the better term would be, Joe doesn't know, what, honorary? Joe's just saying that prefacing MP with, um, Firm, isn't helping anybody. . .certainly not a lot of you who quite frankly need all the help you can get, regardless of the colour (as in blue, yellow, whatever).

But here's the thing that's really up Joe's nose (ah ha! I KNEW some of you would perk up right then. Joe should have said this HOURS ago!) What is WITH you punks and your fear of Straight Billing, by which Joe means, getting off the Hourly Billing Carousel? Joe does NOT get it. It's easy. Just stop. In Honour of Miz Nancy Reagan, Just Say No. Don't Do It.

Abandon The Hourly Billing Model. It's stupid. It sucks. It's mythic. It's phony. It doesn't even frickin' work. And no true professional does it anyway. Think about it. Does your Surgeon bill by the hour? Oh, HELL no. If you asked her to, would she? Oh HELL no. If you said "Do it, or else I'm getting another Surgeon!" what would she do? She'd say "I understand completely. Please let me know where to send your records," and she'd turn on her very stylish heel and disappear back into her office, and call you a stupid, well, it rhymes with duck.

Does your Dentist charge by the hour? Not on your by the hour, six-minute incremented life. When you call his assistant Fred, you find out that it's going to cost $27,000 to restore that smile you let go to hell back to even the most BASIC level of decency, and as you write that check to deplete your bank account, you say to yourself, "Well, that represents X number of hours of extra work for me, dammit!"

But not your Dentist. He says "Well, that's one case. A toughie, yes indeedy. Thank God these Beagles spend their lives in six-minute increments, and won't spend six minutes a day brushing, flossing, and irrigating their nasty mouths. Paradise Island, here I come."

Now, Joe, you might be saying, there are LOTS of professions that charge by the hour. And, Joe would have to agree that there are. Plumbers. Electricians. HVAC people. People who can charge triple time when you call them at 2 a.m. on Sunday morning because your house blew all the circuits and you're standing there with NO power, and in three hours, you have to jump YOUR skanky butt in the shower, in order to catch a red-eye to Boston, where you ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT charge triple-time to a client who's dragging you in to do a dog-and-pony show for a client who cares not a bit about the fact that your kid is in the play on Monday afternoon at 3:30, his first ever, and YOU won't be there, because YOU are stuck in an hourly billing cycle, and all that matters is frickin' face time, because if your skanky butt isn't there in front of the client, you can't BILL the client.

Because YOU don't bill for value, YOU bill for, I don't know, RESEARCH, or Court Time, or Dog-and-Pony shows, or something. YOU don't bill for results. . .you only get to bill the client when you're DOING something.

Your Surgeon, on the other hand, is billing for her knowledge, skill, and ability. That operation may only take her 2, 3, 4 hours. MAYBE, if there are complications, it might take more. But, that's okay with you. In fact, you're VERY hopeful she's in and out. You would, IN FACT, prefer that she be in and out. You'd LOVE the hell out of that. Her fee is $15,000.00, no matter how long it takes. She said so. Fine, you said.

And, if she comes back and tells you, "Hey, Mikey, the surgery went SO smoothly. . .we were in and out in about 75 minutes. . .your recovery was lightning fast. . .you're like a GENIUS patient. From induction to clearance out of Recovery, I think you were, I don't know, maybe four hours tops. You're the shortest case ever!" you'll probably kiss her, if you're not too groggy.

Not YOU boy. The hourly billing model PUNISHES you for being a genius lawyer. It's completely f'ed up. And, if you're really REALLY good, you get punished even more. What if you're not only a genius effing lawyer, but a LUCKY genius lawyer. You're freakin' broke!

And, if you're a lucky genius lawyer that juries, or judges, or BOTH, love Love LOVE, you don't even have enough money for the bus, and you probably live with your mom. Trust Joe. Joe knows.

So. Change the freakin model. Charge for value. If your client doesn't like it, find another client. Explain it to them. If you're any good. If you are, then it doesn't have to be a problem. If you're not, then the hourly billing model was MADE for you.

Joe thinks it was lame-ass lawyers who came UP with the hourly model in the first place. And the corporate boneheads (pushed by equally lame-ass accountants, who ALSO sucked, for the same damn reasons; genius accountants are GOOD and FAST; Joe's accountant is so good, Joe would . . .well, Joe can't say, but the guy is a freakin' Rock Star!) went for it hard and fast. Joe appreciates the hard and fast, but, seriously.

Charge for value. Charge for what you CAN do. Don't be a wuss. If your clients aren't with it, GET NEW CLIENTS. By the way, can ANYBODY tell Joe when lawyers started becoming cowards? There WAS a time when Lawyers freakin' ROCKED! Joe dug that. Joe misses that.

Love Your Recruiter! The dirty way.


JoeRecruiter.

Mea Culpa, With HomeStyle Crust, & a new beginning.

Joe is Ashamed. . .so So SO Ashamed. Even Joe's shame. . . is Ashamed. Joe has been away far, far too long. If Joe could, Joe would tell you all about it, but then I'd have to kill you, and I only have fifteen rounds (actually, Joe's never seen an actual weapon in real-live life, but that sounds bloody correct. . .judges?).

Let me just say, for those of you who are DYING to know, that it's been a bloody adventure, and as soon as the pictures come back from Super-Duper-Mart, I SWEAR, we'll all look at them together, kay?

And, for those of you who notice these things, I'm flipping in and out of third-person indiscriminately, for no other reason than because I feel like it, so there. There are some housekeeping details Joe MUST deal with.

Blogger/blogspot/blog-r-us, whatever, being administered/tortured/you-get-the-idea by the kind of people who come up with these ideas, and being what it is, Joe has decided NOT to publish comments, as much as he would like to, only because they're all gushy and glowy, but, if the commentators would like to resubmit their comments in the form of a question (and where has Joe heard that before, he pondered), with email addresses, Joe WOULD be happy to answer said questions; for some unknowable reason, there was no way to know the delightful and charming correspondents' questions, concerns, death threats, etc.

As some of you will recall, Joe has, from time to time, made it a practice to visit Jr. Partner in the totally extreme West, in that Dungeon of Depravity known as Las Vegas, the Citadel of Sin, or, as Joe likes to call it, El Ciudad Sinho (BTW, y'all, Joe KNOWS. . . . .never mind, it's a private joke anyway). As many of you ALSO know, one of Joe's almost favourite recruiters lives there as well, and works for a very good firm based there. I should say, uh, "worked."

Joe is obligated to report that a couple of weeks ago this very VERY good recruiter, whom (who?) many beagles in the profession know, suddenly separated from the firm for whom he had worked for some time. That's not unusual, of course. People come, and they go. What Joe found unusual, and a little puzzling, was the reason for the departure. On the other hand, Joe finds Childproof lids puzzling, so what does Joe know? Of course, neither the firm NOR this very well-respected recruiter has said anything to Joe.

However, the word on the street is that this particular recruiter is no longer with the firm specifically because the firm became aware of the recruiter's particular diversity status. Without being too specific, Joe understands that the firm became aware of a specific orientation involving this recruiter. Given that this particular recruiter is extremely well-known for having specific expertise in diversity recruiting, and given that the firm was trying to build its reputation for expertise in this specific area of recruiting, Joe found the whole thing a bit bizarre.

The good news is that the recruiter is supposedly going Solo, and, while Joe HATES competition of any kind, let's be honest, nobody is REALLY any competition to Joe anyway, so, from Joe to Mr. Las Vegas, best wishes, and I hope you and the Mister will be very happy together (ah, young love is so. . .so. . .please excuse Joe. . .I need an absorbent tissue).

And why did Joe waste YOUR valuable time, and HIS valuable screen real estate to tell you this story? Because, it's important to help young whipper-snappers just starting out. And this young family, what with the baby coming and all. . .besides, this boy KNOWS Jr. Partner, and Joe knows Jr. Partner, and log-rolling is a time-honored tradition, and, at some future time, Joe might want HIS log, uh, rolled, if you take his meaning. . .just keep your eyes out, for pity's sake, and support the profession is all Joe's saying. Young love. All that. Besides, he's getting married for Heaven's sake. Joe thinks. No announcement yet. Wonder if they'll both wear tuxes. Who throws the bouquet? Anyway.

Sorry, Joe wandered off the topic for a minute. Okay, maybe FRACTIONALLY more than a minute.

So, with absoLUTEly no intended reference to the above (and I totally mean this!), "WHAT", you may ask, "is up your butt, Joe?", and I would say, "Y'all, I am getting damn sick and tired of Recruitment Directors and Other Than MPs/MDs being in charge of Attorney Hiring, that is what is up my butt, and it's beginning to chafe, or whatever stuff does when it is up Joe's butt," although Joe must confess, he doesn't actually have any experience of this. Stuff up Joe's butt, he means.

Here's Joe's point. Recruiting managers are all fine, and so on, but they tend to be an inefficient layer of goo in between decision-makers and recruiters. Somebody has to be able to execute a decision. That's the first problem. There's more.

The next problem is this. Everybody and their dog is trying to find a way to increase retention. The answer's pretty easy. Stop letting Partners be dicks to Associates. Tell Partners that being a good lawyer is all well and good, but Associates are not their personal ass-boys and girls, and the two don't necessarily go together; it's not necessarily a spoils system. And stop thinking that you can jack starting pay every six months, make a big announcement, and then back-end it by raising hourly billing minimums. Seriously.

At some point, you're going to burn out even hard-core Associates; I mean, Joe knows Associates at some BigLaws that're pumping out 2300 hours. Why? Because, the MINIMUM is 2100 hours. But you know, and Joe knows, an associate CAN'T bill every hour they log, it's impossible. So they pump out as many hours as they can, and they pray to whatever (Insert Diety or non-Diety here) they believe/don't believe in that some of them will stick to whatever wall they throw them at. And if they're really lucky, they don't get stuck with a Partner, Team Leader, or MP like most of you out there, because most of you SUCK.

Okay, changing voice, pitch, manner and tone, so don't get lost. This is for those of you who think you know what "firm culture" is. You don't. Maybe Joe spoke too soon. Take this test. Do you know Deal and Kennedy? Pacanowski? Smircich? Malanowski? Schein? Weick? Do you understand the difference between an Interpretivist Perspective and a Structuralist Perspective? Yeah? Okay, MAYBE you understand "firm culture." If you don't know EVERY SINGLE ONE of the terms Joe listed above, you don't know sickum about culture, so don't ever use that word again, unless you have season tickets to the Opera in your city.

By the way, those names are just the teeniest, tiniest, itsiest, bitsiest, ittiest, bittiest piece of the smallest molecule of the smallest piece of what is involved in "culture," and, except insofar as the reference to Malanowski, we haven't even discussed the legend, story, and mythographic linkages, not to mention the narratological links, so don't for even a fraction of a millisecond think you have a handle on what constitutes "culture." And don't, please God, get Joe started on "Meaning."

Joe's point, now that you're about to lose that Non-Fat Half-Caff Lite-Iced Semi-Sweet Quad-Shot Double-Foam Caramel Macchiato (they hadn't the heart to tell you that "macchiato" technically means espresso "marked" with foam), is that there's a lot Law Firms could actually do if they CARED to, but they probably don't, which is actually frickin' stupid, because they waste an ASSload of time, money, and resources, and they also waste an assload of their clients' time, money, and resources, just on bringing new Associates (and new Partners, and new teams), up to speed on files, cases, issues, and whatnot, to educate them on stuff that was happening or is happening, when they COULD have saved all that money for bonuses, or rebates, or discounts, or, hell, Joe don't know, whatever, hookers, who cares?

But, NO, they'd rather act like a bunch of frickin' dorks and waste time, money, and effort, not to mention trips to Vegas, and quality hookers, and, you know, lap dances and booze for hell's sake, than wise their dumb asses up, and just reel these crazy Partners in for five minutes, and sit 'em down, and say:

"Look, ya frickin' dork, I know you get off on terrorizing Associates, but this crap has GOT to stop. No, lemme be clear. This crap WILL stop, and it WILL stop right frickin' now, or you are SO done, and no matter how good you think you are, you aren't THAT good, buddy boy (or missy, whatever; Joe digs missy), so take whatever pills you need to take; drink whatever protein supplement you need to drink; buy a tasty energy drink, or a frosty cola beverage; ingest a much beloved food; engage in a much needed workout; consult with your spiritual, financial, or other professional advisor; get a cherished animal companion; be one with nature; get your chakras aligned, or tuned up, or rotated, or have them removed, or what-the-f-EVER, but get your act together, and get it together right damn now, 'cause things are gonna be different, starting right this second, you get me?!"

And that, really, is that. It really is almost that easy. For law firms where it isn't quite that easy, then the exec committees need to meet and, crazy idea, execute a contract wherein one requirement of every single attorney is that they be required to adhere to a basic code of decency and professionalism toward one another.

Joe isn't saying they have to kiss up to one another. Joe wouldn't do that under pain of death. In fact, Joe would PREFER death to having to be nice to some coworkers, (which is why Joe has flown solo since 1879). Joe actually has a contract rider that SPECIFICALLY gives him the right to inflict tortious and painful verbal abuse upon coworkers, managerial persons, and those who specifically sign his checks and pay him. There is, in fact, specific language that permits Joe to "bite the hand that feeds him." Literally. But that's just Joe. Joe is bad.

There's more coming. But Joe has step away for a minute. A very juicy looking hand just passed by in the hallway, and Joe is feeling a bit peckish. But first, I gotta review some contract language.

Love your Recruiter!


JoeRecruiter
THE Legal Recruiter

So, how good IS good?

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it. Joe missed you. Joe was in the middle of a. . .dare Joe say it? YES! . . .a FIRESTORM of controversy involving a couple of elements.

First was the mini-merger (thank you fans!). Second was the evil witch associate trying to do the runaround on Joe (she'll never work in this town again, Wah Hah Hah!). Third was the suckbag Partner who, as it turns out, will never get placed by anyone ever, because he sucks. You don't want Joe to call you? You got it, pal. And neither will anyone else, neither! Pray that this job is the only one you ever want, and, or need, 'cause you are DONE.

It's all better now, but Joe's butt definitely shows scars, and not the cute kind, like when you have a li'l scar above your chin from where you wiped out on your bike when you were six. NO. These are claw-mark, hack-saw type scars, battle scars. Brutal. In fact, Joe feels manly when someone sees his butt scars. Junior Partner LOVES 'em. But that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day.

Back to the topic at hand: how good IS good? You may recall that we were about to address that question when we were rudely interrupted by news of Chicago passing a "No Foie Gras" ordinance. See the previous post.

Here's the thing about good. You can have any opinion of yourself that you want to have, but it doesn't really matter what YOU think. . .it matters what JOE thinks. Because Joe (and other, less stylish, less, you know, Top Drawer, as it were) recruiters, are the opinion-makers when it comes to making someone hireable, no matter how good you are in court, and no matter how many "Litigator of the Millenium" awards you have.

Some of the best Lawyers in the Country are flat jerks, and couldn't get another job if they were the last (Fill In Here) Lawyer in the world.

While we're at it, when a recruiter calls to ask if you're interested in perhaps looking at another opportunity, it doesn't mean we're criticising your current place of employment.

It's also not the time to get defensive with me about your current crib. . .I don't CARE about the long and storied history of your firm, or about how the founder of the firm started as the third sweeper-upper, toiling late into the night back in the days of yore in Eighteen Hundred and Long Ago.

I'm just ASKING if you're amenable to finding OUT about a job that seems to fit YOUR skills, background, and knowledge, experience, and, perhaps, temperament (AKA KSA). If you are, GREAT. If not, please just say so.

And please don't lecture me on the "culture of the firm." You don't know ANYTHING about the culture of a firm you're not a part of. . .you probably don't even know anything about the culture of the firm you ARE a part of. How do I know? Decades of experience with firm cultures that are nothing at all like they're described by the people living in them, and even less like the people NOT living in them. If law firms, and/or the people in them, knew their own cultures, there would never be an unhappy lawyer anywhere, ever, and we all KNOW that's not the case. So please, dispense with the lecturing about "firm culture." Find another term you don't understand to drivel on about, please.

In the end, you are as good as Joe's ability to sell you as good is. In the meantime, a great reputation as a (fill in here) lawyer may be swell, but it doesn't necessarily get you hired. And holding yourself out as some kind of untouchable because you think you're some kind of wunderkind will probably cost you in the long run. Because, even though Joe won't say anything, eventually your attitude will get around the community (not everybody keeps their mouth shut like Joe does), and, Genius Lawyer or not, nobody likes a jerk, even a gifted jerk.

Time to go. . .Joe has to find a really good gift for Junior Partner. . .and make reservations for our fave restaurant in New York City. . .sometimes, being a jerk has its costs.

Love Your Recruiter!

JoeRecruiter.

How Good IS Good when you're very VERY good?

Hubb-eye frubb-ends. That was a test. If you know what Joe was saying, Joe suspects you were a dork when you were a kid. Probably still are, but that's okay too. Before we get to the MEAT of the moment, Joe wants to give a shout out to the actually dumbest city in the Universe. . .that'd be Chicago.

In one of the stupidest decisions in the history of civilization, the good people of one of the formerly greatest cities in the world (that's A.Ds.--Ante Decisio), have decided to let people who are FAR less informed about food than Joe is about, well, practically anything, tell them that, as of 22 August, 2006, a day that will ALSO live in infamy, they can no longer order Foie Gras. Nope. No more. After that date, if you want a fatty duck, duck, goose liver, you have to go somewhere else, other than Greater Chicago to get it. Are you people out of your minds?

Never mind whether or not you LIKE Foie Gras or whether you would allow even the smallest molecule past your lips and into your mouths, (despite what Joe happens to personally know that a great many of you have admitted into your pie holes), that's not even the point. The point, and Joe DOES have one, is how could the people of such a formerly great city allow anybody to tell them what they could eat, nay, what they could order, nay again. . .what they could even OFFER one another as a CHOICE!

What has happened to the proud people of Chicago. . .the people who gave us, some would say even DEFINED the word Chic? Have the forty-leven million of you simply taken leave of your senses? And what of you, in particular, in the legal community? Never has Joe been prouder than when one of the tough and talented of the Legal Elite in Chi- went to battle with the baddies. And now to find out that it was all for naught?! Joe's heart is BREAKING!

Joe would have expected this from those chowderheads in Boston, the nutballs in New York City, even the Bleachy-Beachies in L.A., who, like monkeys, are fun, but moody, but Joe would have bet his very last dollar that the good people of Chicago would NEVER bend over and take it up the wazz on an issue as important to the Mid-Western soul as dinner.

This is particularly profound, and meaningful, because Joe just came back from a visit to Junior Partner in the City of a Thousand Sins, wherein much merriment was made, and more than one Foie Gras made its way to our table during the Little Weekend that Could. Joe has become a big BIG fan of waterfowl and their livers, and, while not particularly proud of what is done to the little wretches in order to make them ready for his dinner, Joe thinks that, in comparison, Chickens and Cows and Piggies have it MUCH worse than Gooses and Duckies.

But that's another post for another day. Chicago, Joe is dismayed, and must respond to this outrage in the only way possible. After this post posts, Joe will board a plane for what it possibly his last trip to Chicago, make reservations at any of many fine eating establishments, (except Charlie Trotters. . .that wuss took Foie Gras off the menu light years ago, but Joe notes that he still has Chicken, Beef, and Pork on this menus. . ..what a hypocrite. . .or maybe he's just a moron who doesn't know how these animals are treated), and order Foie Gras in as many forms as possible over the weekend, eating himself into a frenzy until fully and completely surfeited. You should come too!

You know what. . .Joe is too sick at heart to really talk about what was bugging him. Just do this. . .make sure you don't screw yourself out of a good chance to get the job of your dreams by always supporting the use of external recruiters, no matter where you work. Ex Rocks! (Externals, we mean)

Love Your Recruiter!!

JoeRecruiter

Size Matters. . . Sorry Guys (some of you, anyway)!

Well, it's that time again. . .as Spring sprang (springed? Sprung? Sproinged? Whatever) fullspeed into Summer, a young beagle's fancy turned to billings, and damned if a young Joe's fancy didn't fancy a fancy new car. . .or a truck. Dogs (and Joes) love trucks.

Needless to say, a new truck requires even more relentless poundings of the pavement, even more deceptive skullduggery, more Shanghai-ing than General Tso (and possibly just as much chicken. . .Joe's just saying).

Fortunately for Joe, the summer heat makes even the most benign, happy, contented cow of a partner ever so much more LESS so, and by now, the dog days of summer are biting beagles of every type and description right in the ass. And there are LOTS of openings, all over Joe's territory, stretching as it does from sea to shining sea, with lots of dreck in between. O happy day!

But it's not all beer, skittles, and occasional lettuce wraps here in the land of vixens, oh my no. Clients want partners with, um, how can I say this. . ."Beega Booksa." Joe gets it. What Joe doesn't get is why an attorney would call about an opening and then act like the size of their book (and its ulimate portability) doesn't matter. It's pretty obvious why most beagles are men. . .they still foolishly think size doesn't matter, when it should be clear to absolutely everyone that size really DOES matter.

Bigger IS better, and a helluva lot more fun. . .ask anyone. Thank (insert favoured deity or NON-deity here)!, Joe often says to himself, I've always had a big, uh, "book of business." Joe can't imagine what it would be like to walk around having to service someone ELSE's client's, but you'd be amazed at the sheer number of partners who think a law firm would like nothing more than having them help them eat someone else's kill.

Don't misunderstand, Joe doesn't believe in strict "eat what you kill" comp plans, or firms built on that philosophy, but it's completely appropriate to ask a partner what s/he's planning to bring to the party when they call to inquire about a job. And, as Joe said before, there are LOTS of jobs. But, please, Joe is BEGGING, when you call to ask about a job, put OUT a little bit first. . .offer your comp, your billing, your rate, and your portables, BEFORE you ask who the client is. . .who says YOU are the be-all and end-all of desirability? And if you are, then you should be able to prove it by telling Joe about your comp. Right out of the gate.

Got a big one? Prove it! Book of business, Joe means.

Love your Recruiter!!



--JoeRecruiter

What do Clients Want? What Joe Wants. Duh!

Joe hears it all the time? Hey, Joe. . .you got gum?. . .I mean, hey Joe, what do clients want? Clients want what Joe wants, and Joe wants what Clients want. We've been over this before. But, as usual, you were doing so SO well, and then things went to hell in a Laundry Basket.

Whether a partner or an associate, if you're going to bother to call, be prepared to tell me what you earn, your hourly rate, your portable book value, and what you billed last year, and your average for the last five years. Within the first three or so minutes. Before I tell you the name of the client. Don't argue with me about it, because I'm not going to tell you. Even if I wanted to, I can't. And don't think you're hurting me or my chances by not disclosing, either. You wouldn't have called if you weren't interested, and if YOU called, what makes you think others haven't?

The truth is, about 12% (remember that figure from our earlier lesson?) of ALL attorneys move around on an annual basis, so they're calling, and a LOT of them are calling Joe, so if you're an uppity type lawyer, don't even bother to call me. I'd just as soon you stay with your current firm and make THEM miserable.

Joe would prefer to work with smart, happy lawyers who know their capabilities, and their abilities, and know they're dealing with a professional who isn't going to blab their information all around town. If you're so insecure you can't tell me what I need to know, just don't bother to call me. By the way, Joe probably makes more than you do, so don't think you're likely to shock me (hint: Joe's BASE is higher than the highest salary paid to the highest associate level of the highest paying BigLaw firm in the country, plus, Joe gets a very generous commission, AND bonuses). Hey, water finds its own level.

And, yes, Joe is a snob. He prefers to work with the best attorneys and law firms in the country. So far, so good. You don't wanna play in our sandbox, that's fine too. Stay second class. . .the world needs you too. . .just don't call a boy, and we won't bother you neither.

What brought on this fit of pique? Oh, some ditz of a lawyer told me that s/he was "not at the applicant level anymore. . .I've been practicing law too long to be treated like a newbie, if you understand my meaning." Sure, Joe understands. But Joe deals with MPs and heads of Litigation and Corporate Law, and other departments all day long, and really only answers to those people and Exec Committees, and that level of person, but I STILL come down to the lower levels and mingle with associates and partners and lower mortals because that's what pays the rent, and I very politely ask y'all if you'd like to check out another opportunity, so, your highness, if I may be so bold, I don't think it's completely out of line to expect you to answer MY bloody questions, because, until you're OFFERED the bloody job, you ARE a bloody applicant, no matter WHAT you call yourself, or how HIGH your opinion of yourself (even rainmakers receive paychecks, your majesty. . .).

So when a boy calls and leaves a message, return it, be polite, answer the freakin' questions, and don't be so uppity. Because there may come a time when you need a recruiter/headhunter/ghoul/whatever you call us these days, and, at least in Joe's case, we have VERY long memories, and VERY short tempers.

LOVE your Recruiter!!

JoeRecruiter

The Perils of Partner Management

Joe has missed you Awful! Where to begin? So MUCH to tell you!! Joe has been ON ASSIGNMENT. Can you say "On Assignment!? Joe knows. And YES, Joe can say "Bite Me" just like YOU did. Good for YOU!

It's a partner assigment and it's suckin' all of Joe's time. Joe can't even close the deal with Junior Partner more than once, twice a week. On the other hand, Joe recently met McLittle Babe-a-Licious. McLittle Babe-A-Licious is, as you would expect, not all that tall. Pretty Pretty Blue Eyes. Pretty Pretty Pieces Parts. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice Chassis. Can't Kiss worth a damn if Joe's observatement the other night at "Ho Bar" are to be believed. Let Joe explain "Observatement."

In another time, and another place, Joe was SERIOUSLY after a Luscious Latin, and could NOT close the deal. Upon enquiry, Joe was told, in all seriousness, that before LusciousLatin would consent to Merge and Acquire, LL would have to "observate" Joe for a while. And there you are. Joe feels that more observatement is in order for McLittle, but Babe-A-Licious or NOT, McL needs to learn how to kiss without swallowing a Joe's face. Joe has a cute face, in a puppyish way, and if it were swallowed, coffee could not be ordered at Starbucks. What would Joe do? Joe fears to ask this question!

You're probably saying to yourself "Self, what in the world has this to do with legalness and thingies?" and the answer is not a bloody thing. Joe is simply sharing in order to bond with you. Do you feel bondy? If so, Joe's work here is done.

Back to the Partner thang. Joe has been busier than a cut rate hooker on the day after Thanksgiving. Everybody wants partners. Guess what Joe found out. Partners rule. Associates are right pains in the butt.

Partners are a dream. They aren't coy about the money they make. They don't play games about their jobs, their dreams, their ambitions, what they bill, PRECISELY what they make, and how they make it, or anything else. If they're interested, they say so, and they say why. If not, they still listen, and they ALWAYS return calls if their area of practice is even REMOTELY related to the area for which you're recruiting. Who knew? Joe really didn't. Joe has worked with GROUPS and a couple partners before, but not large numbers of partners before, and he always assumed that the partners he worked with before were just easy to work with because he knew them from before.

Nope! Virtually every partner has been a dream in comparison to associates, just in terms of calling to talk about opportunities. Accordingly, Joe has formulated the following Rules that Partners DO Follow, which is why They Are A Partner and YOU ARE NOT:

1. Partners Return the Recruiter's Call, because they're smart enough to know they don't know everything.

2. Partner Answer the Questions they're asked. If they have concerns about confidentiality, they ask ONE question to confirm it, make their decision, and stick with it.

3. Partners are not coy. They don't play word games because they don't have time.

4. Partners send the materials they say they'll send.

5. If a partner is interested they'll send materials, if they're not, they say so, and don't waste the recruiter's time.

6. Very often, if a partner finds out that the position is not right, they'll either refer YOU to a contact, or, more often, tell someone to call YOU.

7. Partners very often ask if you know of other positions for people that they know. They're plugged in, and they know how to use their network.

8. Partners treat Recruiters like key members of their career management team, and keep them involved, informed, and updated.

Joe is seriously considering dropping all associate recruiting given this recent experience. Failing that, Joe strongly recommends that Associates who are serious about finding newer, better jobs, start adopting the above principles, and integrating them into their professional business approach.


As always, Joe appreciates his readers and asks you to spread the word about the blog to everyone you know. Joe already knows that the Partners are doing so. They send him Eamails to let him know they've spread the word. Joe is BIG on partners.

LOVE Your Recruiter!!

JoeRecruiter-THE Legal Recruiter

Absence AND Malice

Howdy, Y'all. JoeRecruiter is on a short sabbatticcall (yes, JoeRecruiter knows it's spelled wrong. . .that's sort of part of the joke), because of a MAJOR project. Also, Joe closed the deal with Junior Partner. Righton. Please don't neglect reading the site. joe loves you.

Love Your Recruiter!

JoeRecruiter

Reflections on a Can of Liquid Cocaine Substitute

Okay, it isn't really liquid cocaine substitute, and, to be honest, JoeRecruiter wouldn't know cocaine, or a substitute, if it walked up and bit him on the ass, although it might be fun to try. . .JoeRecruiter missed the "rah rah" druggie days of the 80s, and given his problems with even a double Mocha Latte ("he do the Shimmy Shimmy Shake. . .Yeah!), doubts that his system could tolerate even a gram of the stuff. An ounce? A kilo? Who knows? However, JoeRecruiter apparently has no problem swilling down, well, let's just call it "Blue Cow" energy drink, three at a time. Of course, after such an event, Joe could separate butter from whole milk (or make a FANTASTIC martini), but it has been a FATIGUING couple of weeks, and OH, has Joe missed YOU!

First of all, the Bi-Coastal, unilateral, search and destroy, meet and greet, ass-kissing, baby-shaking, hand-wiping LOVE fest between JoeRecruiter and the Law Firms. The ONLY thing that made it bearable was the fact that JoeRecruiter never ever EVER flies coach. Ever. Or on Southwest Airlines. Ever. Joe LOVES Southwest Airlines, but simply REFUSES to be part of a cattle call unless Hollywood is somehow involved. The soft, soothing strains of "Now boarding all passengers with a 'C' boarding pass" almost NEVER comes to Joe's mind when he thinks about relaxing. Plus, people are freakin' jerks, man.

One sweet old dear nearly mowed Joe down once on a junket from Joe's "house in the hills just below heaven" to a stolen weekend in Las Vegas, in order to get in line TWO people ahead of him. How she got smashed up against the JetWay on the walk up into the aircraft is a mystery for the ages. Even more disturbing was the rumour that someone hissed "Watch your Hips, Granny, cuz next time you go all the way DOWN!" as they entered the passenger compartment. People can be SO insensitive to the elderly.

Where was Joe? Oh yes, the Love Fest. So, there JoeRecruiter was, minding his own business, when Feeley McFinster, the Managing Partner of Dewey Lykitt Ruff called him up right in the MIDDLE of a SERIOUS negotiation with a Junior Partner (not for a job, mind you, but, rather, another Stolen Weekend in Las Vegas. . .talks ARE progressing). Feeley and the Boyz, as Joe likes to call them wanted Joe to come and say "Hidey Ho" to the fellas, explain Joe's recruiting strategy (actually, very simple: Attach a Hundred Dollar Bill to Invisible Fishing Line. Place Bill where Beagle Will See It. When he goes for the bait, make him chase it for a while. When he starts to tire, let him get close to it. When he bends over to retrieve it, shoot him with a Tranquilizer Dart, and throw his ass in a white unmarked van. Works every time), and how using Joe's Firm ('kay, whatEVER, Joe's FIRM. . .please!), can help them with their strategic development. WHAT?

That was call one.

Call Two was this: Lateral Associate Mervys DePasquale de La Smith McDougal Ciccone-Lattimore III. Senior Associate Candidate. Simply UnWILLING to send Joe the required documents without knowing the identity of the firm. Sorry, Joe, I "just can't do it. An ETHICAL recruiter would disclose the name of the firm. . .I'd like to work with you, but if you can't disclose the name of the firm, then I'll have to find another recruiter."

This was easy:

Dear Merv: Thanks for considering us, and please accept our best wishes in finding a suitable recruiter to fulfill your needs. Warm Wishes, JoeRecruiter.

And it really is just that easy. Let's go over this again, with maybe some history, so you guys can get this through your smart but willful heads:

I do NOT care whether or not you think you know who the law firm is. . .I'm still not going to tell you until you send me your resume, your grades, you comp, billing, and rate, and expected comp. And no, I'm not going to tell you the comp level, because I'm probably not going to KNOW it. . .it depends on a HUNDRED factors, many of which I just don't KNOW in the first phone call, and any recruiter who tells you differently is LYING to you. (Listen carefully, even when they tell you a "range" they'll couch it in careful terms: "Well, the RANGE is PROBABLY somewhere between X and Y, depending on experience, but it could be MORE or less." Why bother. I just don't know, until I see YOUR comp, bonus, billables, etc., etc. The GOOD news, by the way, is that, unlike OTHER types of employers, Law Firms rarely try to screw you on salary by lowballing you based on your previous salary/salary history.

I do NOT care if OTHER recruiters disclose the identity of the law firm (by the way, I don't believe you, either. . .I talk to law firm recruiters EVERY DAY, and they all tell me they ask for their name to be withheld). . .Here's the deal. Law firms don't want us to disclose their identity before we receive YOUR information because, in the past, and again, we're SURE that YOU would never do this, but, in the past, maybe ONCE or TWICE, a candidate called one recruiter or another to ask about a position. The typical line was given: "I'm sorry, but I can't disclose the name of the firm until I see your information." The Lawyer said something like "well, how do I know you even really have a job available, you could be making it all up." And, of course, the Legal Recruiter, not having his/her wits about him/her told the candidate the name of the firm. They talked for a little while, and the candidate said they'd send their information, and that was the end of it. Of course, you know how this turned out, right? The candidate turned RIGHT AROUND and applied to the Law Firm, denied ever having contacted ANY recruiter about the position (despite the fact, discovered later, that the position wasn't even posted at the time of first contact), WAITED until the law firm posted the position, and then, when the recruiter protested, denied ever having had a discussion with the recruiter. It turned into a big mess, and put the law firm in the middle of a conflict between the Lawyer and the Recruiter, and EVERYBODY lost.

So NO, I'm NEVER going to tell you the name of the Law Firm until I have something in my hand from you indicating an interest in the job that I told you about, with a bloody TIMESTAMP on it, that can serve as a record of our conversation. Do I ever expect to use it? No, and I never have HAD to, but you're never gonna put me in the position where I'd need to, and the law firm won't let you put them in that position either. IF it's really a problem, at the minimum, you should offer to send an email outlining your interest in the "Real Estate Associate Position with a Major Law Firm in Duck Blind, Arkansas" or whatever, but the law firms rely on Recruiters to keep this information confidential for good reason. It's not about jerking your chain. . .it's about making sure that THEIR chain doesn't get jerked.

While we're on the topic, don't think for a moment that you get "credit" for saving money for a law firm by going around a recruiter and saving the firm money. Any credit you'd get for saving them money spent on a recruiter is more than offset by the ethical questions raised by your going around a recruiter who was only pursuing his/her job at the behest of the firm in question. Furthermore, you should ask yourself this question: Would you really want to WORK with a law firm that APPROVED of this type of unethical behavior? If that's okay with them, what will they do or NOT do in order to avoid paying YOU for legitimate work you've undertaken on their behalf?

More than once, Joe and others have heard stories about Law Firms who've taken a pass on a candidate who comes to them on "ill-gotten" information, particularly when the fact is disclosed later in the process. Joe doesn't KNOW that a Lawyer has ever been FIRED for this, but he DOES know lawyers who 've left law firms they went to under a "cloud," and those relationships just "didn't work out." Do all of us a favour. . .If this is the way you work, don't even bother to call. We WILL find out, we'll make SURE The firm finds out (maybe not directly, but they WILL find out. . .at least the MP will find out), and we'll probably find a way to let the local Bar Committee find out (Recruiters know everyone, and, if we don't know someone, we know someone who knows them).

I do NOT care if you have concerns about your information (well, I DO, but let me explain: we give a very CLEAR guarantee about preserving your confidentiality. In fact, it should BE the case that, in every interaction with a Recruiter, your conversations are confidential. In JoeRecruiter's case, they ALWAYS are, from the first "Hi, Buffy, this is JoeRecruiter at JoeRecruiter's Firm" to the moment you accept the offer).

I do NOT care if you "prefer to wait to discuss "THAT" (whatever THAT is) until we have a better idea of what we're talking about." Guess what? It's NOT your call. I KNOW the law firm. I KNOW the recruiters. I KNOW the job. I'm trying to, I'm sorry to have to say it, PRE-Qualify you. I know you think you're doing me a HUGE favor by returning my call, and you ARE, but so what? That doesn't mean you're qualified for the JOB I have in mind. When I call, I'm purposefully vague so as to save your ass from embarrassment or outright trouble if someone should happen to find out. . .you can always pass it off as "Oh, you know, it was just another one of those DAMN recruiters. . .they call EVERYONE," but when you call me, you'd better be prepared to give me some information about who you are, what you do, how much you make, how much you bill, what you bill at, and your expertise, so I can see if you're a match to the JOB. It's not personal, and you shouldn't take it as such.

And you shouldn't worry that I'm going to take your resume and submit it without your approval. I know there are recruiters who HAVE done that, and maybe some will do it in the future, but I'm not going to, and, even if I did, all you have to say is "I don't recall giving JoeRecruiter permission to present me to you" and that ends it. And JoeRecruiter is very VERY smart, and KNOWS that he can't get paid if he didn't have your permission to present, so I'm not even going to bother.

So do yourself, your fellow lawyers, the Legal Profession, and Legal Recruiters ALL a favor and LOSE THE ATTITUDE. Law Firms need associates and Partners. They want to add the best ones they can find. But they don't have time to call everyone. So they come to me. I want to find the best associates and partners I can. So I call YOU. WHEN I call, you MAY be happy, or you MAY not, but if you think you MIGHT be amenable to a discussion about another option, then you should call me and at least find out about the other position. If YOU are NOT currently interested, but you know your friend Billy Bob McSweeney might be looking, tell Billy Bob to call me.

Because, here's the thing. Even if you DO go ahead and send your info, and it looks good, and I decide to present you, and I send the info (with your permission), the Law Firm may still decide to pass on you. Law Firms being Law Firms, they ALWAYS hold back a little on EXACTLY what they want, and why shouldn't they? If I'm the MP, I know what I'm looking for, but I can't necessarily put it into words. My External Recruiter is there to refine the search and present the LIKELIEST candidates, based on his/her knowledge of ME, my law firm, our practice, and the kinds of lawyers we hire, and wait for feedback, and move from there.

This is why we always say your chances are better with an external. We KNOW it's true, and, here's the thing. . . if External Recruiters weren't adding value to the Lawyer Search process, we wouldn't exist. There'd be NO demand for us, and certainly we wouldn't be making money (OR placements). So hate us all you want, badmouth us all you want. And keep on submitting to those job boards. But when you're ready to find a REAL job, with a REAL salary, and a REAL law firm, call me back. Because I'm ALWAYS looking for good, smart lawyers. And, in my experience, the good, smart lawyers ALWAYS call you back.

Look, I'm not gonna pretend that this profession doesn't have its share of scumbags and lowlifes. . . it does, and perhaps MORE than its share. But you wouldn't indict the entire legal profession because of a few less than perfect examples of lawyerly dignity, would you? Oh, you would. Well, don't extend that to recruiters. The good news is that the scumbags rarely stay around long because, between candidates and Law Firms, news travels VERY fast (JoeRecruiter KNOWS. . .JoeRecruiter's blog has been growing by referral since day one of its publication. . .more than 90% of our hits are by referral. . . right ON, you guys!). See, if you do damage to a candidate in, say, oh, Detroit, the word will be out on you in three days, and NO ONE will ever call you again. Oh, the Law Firms might call, but the candidates NEVER will, and NO candidate, no placement.

Joe learned this lesson well and early. There was this Legal Recruiter named Biff Lazenby. Biff was kewl. He'd been a lawyer, then he became a Legal Recruiter. Did well for a while. But Biff didn't like to wait for ACTUAL Job Openings (some recruiters don't, and that's okay. . .Joe only places for OPEN positions, but you're always welcome to call and chat. . .most good recruiters are like this), and he very often "shopped" resumes to Law Firms with which he had no relationship. Well, a time or two, it worked, and Biff got paid. So he got bolder. Pretty soon, Candidates who'd just been placed would be talking at the Water Cooler, and, Candidate A would say "Well, whaddya know, another Biff Lazenby Candidate!" to Candidate B, who'd say "Bih-wha-wa Huh?", and, before you could say "busted scumbag" Biff's Career was deader than K-Fed's. "Lesson Learned!" said JoeRecruiter.

But we were talking about that damn Love Fest, weren't we? So, Joe called a NUMBER of the Law Firms, given that he was going to have to go on the road with his Dawg and Pony show, and, after 10 long LONG days, Joe is Home and Happenin' and HERE TO TELL YOU that he is absolutely convinced that traveling to meet Law Firm is a CRIMINAL waste of time, as was the visit to Junior Partner's Law Firm (Joe thought that visibility would improve the outcome of the talks. . . did Joe mention that talks are. . .progressing?). On the other hand, the Law Firms DID pay for the trips, Joe flew Business Class, and the FluffyLicious Bed (or whatever) was as comfortable as advertised. The Law Firms even paid for Joe's Blue Cow, which, while unexpected, was very MUCH appreciated.

Joe even managed a Stolen Weekend in Las Vegas. Somehow, from this distance in time and space, traces of last night's conquest still apparent in the suite at the Not AT ALL Over The Top Bellagio Hotel, the continuing talks with Junior Partner seem less crticial.

However, at the risk of making an unintended, but thoroughly delightful and appropriate pun, Joe still has a bone to pick with Mervys DePasquale de La Smith McDougal Ciccone-Lattimore III, Esq., Attorney and Counselor at Law. And all the other Mervys's (Mervyses? Joe's just not sure. . .) out there in the world.

This is JoeRecruiter's take: When a Legal Recruiter calls you, even it's NOT JoeRecruiter (you should BE so lucky), take a moment out of your busy Beagle day, and call the poor sucker back. You never KNOW when things are gonna change. Unless you've been living in a hole, you've seen things change at about half a dozen of the TOP law firms in just the past two months or so, ALL over the country. Joe would not, could not, name names, but just think with Joe: West Coast, East Coast, Central States, New England. . .just to name a few. Mergers, Buyouts, Indictments, Accusations, Partner Defections, the list goes on. It's DEFINITELY worth a moment of your time, now and again, to lift your nose up from that memorandum you're drafting for a senior partner to see what's happening all around you.

And if you've been wondering, for even a few minutes of the day, ANY day, if there's something MORE, or something DIFFERENT, take another moment and place a call yourself. Just make sure you have a cellphone and an external email. Recruiters, while nasty, evil-tempered, vicious, and slow-witted, DO get that confidentiality, subtlety, and discretion are important to their candidates and potential candidates, even if they don't practice them themselves.

Well, that's it. The leeward side of the bed is stirring. Nightlife in Las Vegas awaits. Plus, there's a small possibility that Joe may have NO choice but to take Southwest back home to the little "house in the hills just below heaven." If you, or a family member, have delicate hips, you may want to take another flight. JoeRecruiter says "no cuts!" And I mean it.

Big Sloppy Vegas Style Kisses,



JoeRecruiter

Love Your Recruiter!!!

Joe Is Listening, "en moment".

Wow, you guyz (for the record, "you guys" is a Western US version of "y'all"; it doesn't mean "you male persons" so get over it right now)! Joe is blushing! Joe can't stop using exclamation points! Somebody help Joe Right Now!

Sorry, a momentary fit of excitation. Actually, Joe knew a beagle who used exclamation points in EVERY sentence the beagle ever wrote! Ever! Apparently, a bad reaction to law school! Funny thing was, the Beagle was boring as hell! Do you find that as annoying as Joe does?! (Joe meant that one.)

Okay, so WHY is joe blushing? Joe has received many MANY (more than one) accolades in the past few weeks from actual beagles doing actual beagle work, and not just a few were in support of Joe against the BAD BEAGLE. So thank you, beagles, bunnies, and future beagles, all. . .Joe is, well, touched (in fact, Joe is being touched RIGHT NOW, but that's another topic for another day). just kidding. Oh yeah, about the speling errers, Joe apologises, but apparently, this low budge system doesn't spell check, and Joe apparently types faster than he can think, but wanted you to know that he sort of knows how to spell. He just can't read so good. Let's see. . .other administrivia. . .oh yeah, the Gloss is COMING. Some Day. I know, so's your raise. Let's bet to see which one comes more faster, shall we?

So, Joe said "Joe is Listening." "Why, Joe", say the beagles, "what ever do you mean?" Let Joe tell you. There is a FIERCE debate amongst recruiters as to whether 'tis better to call the beagles at work, and talk to them about yobs, or whether 'tis nobler indeed to just leave a voice mail so the beagle can respond when and if they have a mind to. Oh, and what to say when you talk to a beagle, which is MUY importante. Questions such as these, and the debate engendered therefrom have raised tempers more than you might have guessed, and vicious fights have ensued, including fistfights, and more than one yelling of the word "BITCH!" (Joe regrets the incident, but he SO deserved it).

Accordingly, Joe wanted to bring it to you, his faithful, wise, all-knowing, and not-at-all-influenced-by-cheap-flattery readers, to clear this up. What do YOU think? What do YOU like? What do you hate? Is Orange REALLY the new pink? Joe wants to know. Here, in a nubbin (Joe knows this should be a "nutshell" but, since the untimely death of Spy magazine, nobody uses nubbin anymore, and Joe misses it), is the question (actually, the "multi-part question."):

Prolegomenon: Recognise first that you ARE going to be called by recruiters. A lot. Unless you suck. Learn to live with it. If you really CAN'T stand being called by legal recruiters, find another profession. And stop whining. Really. Just stop whining.

Part the First: Since you ARE going to be called by recruiters, how would you most like to be contacted, recognizing that we TRY to be a little bit coy since we don't want to get your ass in trouble with your CURRENT law firm, and so we have to be a BIT vague (on the other hand, we could say "hey, screw ya" and describe in excruciating detail another MORE BETTER job while your senior partner looks at you picking up your email/vmail/phone notes, or stands in the room whilst you're on a call)?

Part the Second: When an opportunity is being described, do you just want a brief outline of the position, or do you want LOTS of detail ("Hi, Bill, this is Rastro Recruiter from Jiffy LawJobs, and I have an opportunity I want to discuss with you at your convenience. Please call me at 1-800-LAW-SUCK at your convenience." vs.
"Hi, Muffin, this is Lara LaLou at Frisky Recruiters, and, as you probably know, we place more attorneys in different jobs every day than graduate each year from all the law schools in the known universe. Even though we're so big we don't even know who you are, we deigned to come down to your pitifully small level to discuss a position as the third attorney of five to be hired at a Law Firm in Detroit whose name I can't mention, but whose name rhymes with "FigPaw", and who has forty-thousand attorneys practicing in the following cities and countries (exhausting list ensues). The position will pay 22 Million coconuts, has 12 days off per year, automatic overdraft protection, and will lead to a life completely devoid of satisfaction, but you won't know it because you'll be required to bill 3000 hours per year in compensation for your overly inflated salary. They reject 15 of 16 candidates we send to them, and they take forever to pay, but I'm calling you because you're just another cog in the wheel, and, by the way, they almost never hire from outside regardless of what they tell you, so I'm frankly your only chance to get out of that hellhole you're currently practicing in, only to stick you in a newer, fresher, hotter hell. With that in mind, please take a moment, avoiding the steely gaze of the Senior Partner who just wandered into your room and made you regret picking up your voicemail on speaker phone, and call me back, since it's very unlikely you'll ever get a raise again, let alone make partner. And you've been an associate there for HOW long again? I can be reached at 916-4-A-BEAGLE, and the clock is ticking. Thank you for your time.")?

Part the Third: Do you really want or need the recitative about the firm's skills, background, and who they represent, or do you make a decision to call back based on how the recruiter sounds, or are you smart enough to call everyone who calls you with a position that's within your area of expertise?

Part the Fourth: Do you want to hear about just ONE position, or, if you might qualify for multiple positions with multiple companies, would you rather hear about that, recognizing that good recruiters often have more than one related position with more than one law firm (as an example, Joe knows "bubbela bubbela law" really well, so his firms tend to pack him with "bubbela bubbela law"; in one city in a particular state, Joe has 11 positions with 7 different firms, all in "bubbela bubbela law").

Part the Fifth: Related to many of the above: What are the credibility factors? For example, some recruiters think you need to give precise, detailed info. about everything you're looking for, so the associate knows you really HAVE a job. Others say, NO, just tell them you only recruit for current openings. Still others say, Look, beagles have been burned forever, so they don't believe anyone, but, being lawyers, they're compelled to call and listen, just to satisfy their own belief that all recruiters are scum. Another group says that Beagles only trust the BigRecruiter firms, while another one says "Hey, boutique recruiters are where it's at." Given all the philosophical differences, the differences in jobs and job types, and the differences in beagles and law firms in general, what do YOU, as a beagle, want ME, as a recruiter to SAY to you, and HOW do you want me to say it in order to communicate that:

1. There is a real live job opening right now.
2. For whatever reason, I think you might be a match to this job.
3. For whatever reason, I would like to know if you're considering a move, or
4. You've been an associate since 1999, and you're still an associate, and I'm not going to say it out loud, but, uh, WTF?! Is this REALLY the firm for you?
5. I only get paid for results, so I don't tend to waste my time unless I reasonably believe you fit the requirements of the position. You need to call me to confirm or invalidate that impression.
6. Regardless of how good a beagle you are or think you are, you have a much better chance of being placed if you go through a recruiter, unless a firm calls YOU. How do you know if your chances are better with a recruiter? Simple. Unless a firm calls YOU and either offers you a job or invites you to interview, you have a much better chance with a recruiter. If you don't believe Joe, go on an informational interview with an attorney you KNOW will tell you the truth, and ASK them. Even better, see a hiring partner or the lead Recruiter, and ask THEM.
7. Even with the imprimatur of a recruiter on your materials, as a recruiter, I'm only interested in the BEST candidate, but if I call YOU, at least I'm interested enough in you to LOOK at your materials, which just improved your odds by a factor of 3 or 4.

Part the Sixth: How should a recruiter "BE" when they present their pitch? Should they be "serious and reserved and highly professional" or "cute and fun and cuddly" or, "light and competent, but not taking themselves too seriously" (the way Joe tries to be. . . whether he succeeds or not is open to debate). Should we talk fast and get it over with, or slow and methodical, highlighting every nuance with polished and professional prose, or what?

ACT NOW! Joe has set up an email account specially for Beagles to respond. Comments will be accepted, results tallied, and presented here in future. Joe asks you to respond, and to get everyone you know to respond, so that we can do a better job for YOU, and for US as recruiters. Joe is hoping, if the response is big enough, to publish an article in a major Journal, which could make recruiting less painful for EVERYONE. So your contribution could absolutely CHANGE the process of recruiting as we know it. Who KNEW you had so much power?

Send your comments to: telljoerecruiter@hotmail.com .

Joe thanks you in advance. Remember to spread the word, and keep them comments coming.

Love and Kisses,



JoeRecruiter

Love Your Recruiter!!!!!!!!!!!!(For that crazy Beagle)


ADDENDUM!:

Joe should have realized he'd have to say it to Beagles. So he's saying it now: Your comments will be kept completely confidential. Your emails will be kept completely confidential. Any opinions offered or comments generated will be only aggregated commments, not specifically attributed to any beagle. Your email address(es) will not be kept, tracked, analyzed, confabulated, used, or manipulated in any way, except insofar as they'll be deleted like so much old news at the earliest opportunity. C'mon people, recruiters read this site too. . .they need your help, as does Joe. Thanks, many, to those who have already contributed, and to the rest of you. . .get it in gear.

The Best Dancer at St. Bernard-ettes.

Ay, Mamelita! Has it actually been two weeks since JoeRecruiter put finger to key? Joe finds this almost impossible to believe. Joe apoogizes, and hopes you will forgive him. Work has taken over Joe's life. Have you ever had more work than you could actually DO? Joe has this problem now. They say success kills, and it's starting to kill Joe, although apparently not fast enough for some. What Joe means is that he has more assignments than he could POSSIBLY fill, even if he worked 24/7, which is SO not about to happen. But even if Joe did work 24/7 there aren't enough candidates that meet the Law Firm criteria, so why bother. And THAT is what is on Joe's mind.

Let Joe go back a ways, kay? It was Friday, and Joe was at dinner with Miss ChaCha DiGregoriJoe (yes, the Best Dancer at St. Bernard-ettes), and it was perfect. Not Miss ChaCha, mind you. . .Miss ChaCha is NEVER perfect. Miss ChaCha is always bad, which is why Joe likes to take her to Dinner. But she is NEVER perfect.

Ennyways, the Foie Gras was wonderful as was the Inniskillin Ice Wine, which Joe highly recommends as opposed to Chateau Y'Quem or some other Sauternes. Joe KNOWS this is a classic pairing, but, just TRY Ice Wine (or Eiswein, even better). You'll find that the comparatively higher acid cuts the richness of the Foie Gras very nicely, but still gives you the wonderful taste balance of a Sauternes. Where was Joe? Oh, yes, the Foie Gras was wonderful, the Duck, even better (Joe is fond of Duck. . .so much so that Duck and Foie Gras, at the same meal, didn't seem terribly wrong. . .on the other hand, there was also Beef Rossini, and the salad had Duck, slivered black truffles, and other nummies too. . .and it still didn't seem TOO over the top).

Now, you would think a meal like that would have almost anybody basking in WAVES of pleasure, and normally you would be right. But Joe was, I don't know, out of sorts for some reason, and it wasn't until the Port (Taylor 20-year Tawny) that Miss ChaCha said, in her warm purring voice "Yo, mister, snap out of it!" that Joe realized his mind was still on work, when it SHOULD have been on the spectacular dinner.

And Joe's mind was still on WORK because Joe had just had a little tiff with a VERY BAD Beagle, on one or another of them there message boards. Miss ChaCha made Joe ignore what had happened and concentrate on Dessert, and a good thing too, because it was a wonderful Coconut Cream Vacherin, with a Bittersweet Chocolate Ganache, accompanied by the TINIEST little Molten Chocolate Cake, Coconut Sorbet, and Coconut Syrup. It was amazing. So Joe put it out of his mind for the rest of dinner, but now feels he has to share it, with you.

And here it is: It's all well and good if you're a high-powered associate at a high-powered law firm, and bully for you, but don't think for a second that you know any more about what's happening in the recruiting office of your law firm than the average guy on the street, because you don't. And please, be a civilized beagle and don't foist that garbage off on unsuspecting bunnies, because they'll BELIEVE you, and they're the ones that are gonna get hurt, not you.

First of all, if you have a bad opinion of Recruiters, that's your right as a citizen, but don't for even a fraction of a second lump Joe in with anybody else, because Joe is, let's face it, a particularly unique character. The Bad Beagle questioned Joe's character, motives, background, experience, and commitment, all without even knowing the first thing about who Joe is or what Joe does, and then made claims regarding Law Firms that are flatly untrue, to the point that little beagle bunnies are probably all in a daze not knowing what they should do or when they should do it. SHAME on the Bad Beagle.

But how does this affect you, and why should you care? Good question, and thanks for asking. Let's look at a couple of facts, in no particular order, but, in terms of overall impact, we can prolly start with the raises for First Year associates.

The first announcement occurred probably on Jan 19, or thereabouts (Joe has an email dated 1/19 that announces a change, and nothing much before then), announcing a retro raise to Jan. 1, followed by another and so on, until, if you weren't paying attention, you'd think that EVERY law firm in the world, certainly in New York, and certainly EVERY BigLaw firm was pushing to $145K. But that's only half the story. Remember, SOME firms are dropping bonuses, SOME will institute a formula, and some will do some sort of disco combo, to the extent that, according to JoeMath, the actual raises add up to from about $3000-$7000 for MOST firms, and up to about $10K for virtually all of the rest. OF the reamining firms that claims stratospheric raises for first years, when you look at the comp formulas, they may be better OR worse than they were before.

The Second thing to remember is that this means ALL associate pay levels in the affected firms have to be recalculated and recalibrated, and, from what Joe hears, there MAY be concommitant increases in minimum billable hours. So, is this in fact a raise or not? Joe says, mostly, sort of. But the firms haven't all finished with their math, and anyone who tells you ANYTHING different isn't in touch with the firms on a regular basis. Even the few FEW firms with "published" associate pay plans advise that they're tentative.

The most amazing thing is that, like in years past, associates almost overwhelmingly say they'd rather have less pay and fewer required hours than MORE pay and MORE hours. So would the firms. Some senior partners have even said that they'd prefer to not have to mess with beginning pay at all and reduce the number of required billables for the first few years to give associates time to actually LEARN the art of lawyering in a firm before they go out for their "first kill." Nobody really believes you learn to be a lawyer just because you can bill 2366 hours your first year.

Third, associates still seem to believe that pay is some sort of negotiable issue, and that, if they simply apply, they'll be offered a job, and then, boy, they can negotiate a GREAT package that'll leave their fellows languishing in the dust of their victory. Sorry, but, in most firms, pay is NOT negotiable (at least not base pay), and usually bonuses are set too. You want a raise, you have to RAISE your value as a revenue producer by billing in excess of the minimum, if that option even exists, and, in some firms, because of the jacking up of minimum associate pay, the option to work, dare Joe say it. . ."Overtime" will be severely curtailed.

Fourth, and you know Joe wouldn't say this to anyone but you, but you can handle it: No matter how good YOUR opinion of your ability is, the offer, if you even get one, is going to be contingent on the offering firm's assessment of your ability, no matter how great a lawyer you think you are. For example, Joe is completely certain that Bad Beagle considers him/herself to be a GREAT lawyer, worth his/her weight in platinum. Perhaps. But Joe talked the issue over with some people at a number of BigLaw firms, where Bad Beagle claims to work (A BigLaw firm, not THE specific firm), and was told, before he could even ask, that an associate with that attitude would probably be either "slowed down" on the track, or invited to apply at another firm. Modesty and patience, and just generally being "nice to work with" still count at law firms, even BigLaw, so be careful of your attitude, and remember, you're a bunny until you get "promoted" by not being referred to as a bunny anymore, and it has a LOT to do with what the senior attorneys think of you, not what you think of yourself.

So, what does this mean? Is Joe a total sellout to the Law Firms? Oh, HELL no! But it does mean that Joe, like many people with MANY jobs, is responsible to both the Law Firms AND the associates, and he has to balance the reality of the situation with the "dreams" of the beagles, and sometimes that means "tough love."

So what do we do now? Keep listening, paying attention, and snuggling up to your recruiter. Firms are still hiring. They still want the best associates. Externals have the best associates (simple math. . .good attorneys are too busy to be futzing around on job boards, know what they want, and are prepared. . .they let recruiters do the work finding them a job whilst they go out and lawyer), and the Law Firms know that. It's simply a question of managing your priorities and making sure that you use resources that work FOR YOU, not resources that you WORK FOR.

To that end, and recognizing that not everybody has the same perspective, coupled with the fact that Joe is busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kickin' contest, Joe says make your choice. Either you believe Legal Recruiters are good or you don't.

If you do, find one, make sure there's a great fit, and take their advice. . .it's in their best interest to help you find the PERFECT job. In that way, everybody wins: The Law Firm, You, JoeRecruiter (or the other not-quite-as-luscious recruiter), and other lawyers, as well as clients, and, well, you get the idea. If you don't, strike out on your own, manage your own job search, and take responsibility for what happens. The choice is yours. . .just don't whine.

Meanwhile, Joe is negotiating with Miss ChaCha to plan another dinner. This time, Joe is hoping for a little less duck, and a LOT more attention to the dinner itself.

Love Your Recruiter!



JoeRecruiter

Joe Sez: "Drop that Crack!", and Other Nuttiness

Joe is on a tear today. Well, yeah, every day, but particularly today. Is everybody on CRACK or what? Sometimes, Joe thinks, if it weren't for the fame, the fortune, the kissing of much butt (his, thankfully), the breathing of the rarefied air in the fancy places to which he takes himself (McDougals's, Burger Prince, Mindy's; you get the idea), being a highly sought after and almost never hit directly in the face Legal Recruiter would NOT be worth it. Let Joe explain.

Twice this week. . .in other words, WAY more than once, Joe has been asked the craziest of questions, and heard the craziest of things. All to do with recruiting. And contracts. Recruiting and contracts. As if they weren't, you know, tied at the hip, metaphorically speaking.

Let Joe spell it out for you: We do NOT recruit for Law Firms without a signed, sealed, and spit-upon contract, ever, ever, ever. And we don't disclose the name of the Firm we're searching for an attorney for, never, never, never, until we receive a copy of your resume, writing sample, and transcript. That's it. That's all.

Joe has explained this on more than one occasion, but apparently someone (or some MANY) missed that day in class, so Joe will go over it again.

1. Law Firms: Joe loves Law Firms. Law Firms love Joe. Joe loves to find good attorneys for Law Firms so they can continue to be Law Firms, and gain in power and glory. Law Firms, believe it or don't, are simply FILLED with Lawyers. And Lawyers should know better than to ask a recruiter to initiate a search without a contract. And yet, time after time, Joe hears this line: "Oh, we don't sign contracts with Headhunters, but if you become aware of (Exact specifications on the type of lawyer(s) the firm is looking for), you're welcome to send their information."

Sure, because Joe has nothing better to do than initiate a search, find the perfect group of candidates, spend umpteen hours sifting and sorting, and collating, and so on, only to have a law firm say "Oh, I'm sorry, we only pay on candidates for which we have a contract with the external recruiter." It has happened before, and, as Riki Tiki Tavi said of the Cobras in his house "Once bitten, Twice Shy."

Joe can only imagine that there's some strange virus going around SOME law firms that makes Hiring Partners, Internal Recruiters, and HR Managers think that uttering those words, or words like them, could make sense to anyone but the addled.

First of all, it's not a contract for gallons of anyone's blood, or even a small child. It's not even an agreement to pay the External Recruiter for his/her work. All it says is, if JoeRecruiter FINDS you a candidate, and you then HIRE that candidate, Joe gets paid for FINDING the candidate for you. No hire, no pay. It's really kind of a no-lose proposition for the law firm, because it frees up their in-house staff to do the things they really NEED to do (hire first-years, summer associates, and para-professionals; administer HR; plan and staff and calculate, and figure, and make sure the PEOPLE side of the firm is running correctly).

The reason External Recruiters even exist is because there's a need for us, and it's not really a good use of internal staff's time to dig through HUNDREDS of resumes, mining for the few diamonds in the pile. Better to call a recruiter with knowledge of the market, the attorneys, and the available jobs, who entire purpose is to skim the cream and present it to the firm for its consideration.

Even Joe's good friend Crack Alley Sally gets THAT.

However, Law Firms are a JOY when compared to Lawyers, so let's rake the lawyers for a while.

2.Lawyers: Honestly, Lawyers sometimes make Joe wonder what is UP with the legal profession. Here's the thing: Your Legal Recruiter has relationships, usually good ones, sometimes GREAT ones, with Law Firms. If s/he's done a good job for them in the past, they're MUCH more likely to trust his/her judgment on a candidate than YOURS, because you're, well, YOU. Not to be harsh, but you're sort of biased toward your own candidacy.

Yeah, Joe is biased too, but he's looking at profiles of dozen and dozens, sometimes HUNDREDS of Lawyers, and he's GOING to find the 3 or 4 candidates that best fit what he thinks the Firm is looking for. It's in HIS best interest to do so. The more "perfect" candidates Joe places with Law Firm, Inc., the more they'll come to him, the more money he makes, and the happier he is.

There are other benefits to working with an External Recruiter. No, not just for Joe, but for Lawyers as well. External Recruiters have no obligation to anyone but the candidate. Yeah, we're looking for the benefit of the Law Firm, but we EXIST for the benefit of the Lawyer. A good legal recruiter knows the firms, from the inside out (just look at all the people s/he's placed there). S/he knows the good stuff AND the bad stuff, and everything in-between. S/he knows what firms are likely to be a good fit, and which ones are NOT, and s/he'll tell you the truth.

No, it's not because we're particularly ethical or moral, although those would be good reasons too. It's because a successful placement is only successful if you STAY with the law firm. If you don't, Joe doesn't get to keep the money, you won't trust Joe to find you the NEXT job that you now have to find because you HATE this one, and pretty soon, neither Law Firms NOR attorneys will use Joe to fill jobs, which will make Joe poor, and that would be bad. Joe doesn't do poor well.

For an attorney, job hunting without a Legal Recruiter is like going to trial without preparing. Yeah, you COULD do it, and it MIGHT turn out okay, but is it worth the risk? What if you find out you hate the job, or WORSE, they hate YOU? Assuming you don't get fired, you're going to have a short tenure at that firm, which will be almost as difficult to explain to the NEXT Law Firm, which might cost you the job, which means things'll get even worse at your present firm, until they actually MIGHT fire you, which will be even HARDER to explain to the next law firm, and so on. A good recruiter can help you avoid ALL that nonsense, cut through the clutter, and find the right job at the right firm, without a lot of headaches in between.

Joe knows what you're thinking. You're thinking "Yeah, maybe, Joe, maybe not, but I'm a Lawyer! A good one. A smart one. I'm cute and funny, and even potty-trained, and at the top of the employment food chain." All true. But so are many of the 700 OTHER attorneys who just submitted their resumes to that job board, and how will YOU cut through all the clutter to deliver YOUR message? Joe's just saying.

The bottom line is that Legal Recruiting, and Legal Recruiters, are here for a reason. We help Law Firms get better attorneys, and we help attorneys get better jobs. And, at the end of the day, that's a good enough reason to BE here.

Meanwhile, Joe worries about Crack Alley Sally. She wants to become a Lawyer.



Love your Recruiter!

Here, Fishy, Fishy, Fishy! Oh, and, uh, THANKS!

Actually, let's do this in reverse. Joe would like to thank you, and you, and, oh, especially YOU for the props, high-fives, and assorted accolades (how's that for alliteration?) y'all have bestowed on one JoeRecruiter. According to the people who get paid to find these things out (in other words, NotJoe), this is one of the fastest-moving blogs around. So, keep up the good work. Tell your friends! Tell your enemies! Tell your FWBs. Tell yo' mama. And, absolutely, tell your in-house recruiters and all your associates. Spread the word. Joe likes feedback, even little snarky comments like you're about to read below (very BAD sentence construction; Joe is. . .ashamed).

Seriously, thanks for the support; Joe is touched. Joe and Co. will do our very best to keep this blog relevant, interesting, and, maybe just a little irreverent. Can Joe get a amen? Thanks. On to other details.

You're probably asking yourself "Self, what the hell do fishes have to do with Lawyerish Recruiting?", and no one could blame you. Imagine, if you will, the scene:
Joe is sitting at the JoeRecruiter PowerDesk, and, lo and by gum, the phone rings. Okay enough of that. I'm already tired of it.

Here's the deal: An associate at a very nice but not too special law firm returned Joe's call (you know how it goes: "Hey, Associate, this here's JoeRecruiter, and I have a job I think you might like. Hit me back, yo!"). Right out of the gate, no kisses, no flowers, the Associate (we'll call him Muttley) starts in on interrogation mode: "Who is this for? What about this? What about that? Do you get eggroll with six? Can you hear me now?" You know what Joe means.

Look, here's the down and dirty. When an ethical recruiter calls you about a position, the purpose of the call is to see if you're interested in an opportunity. We describe it generally, and, usually, the firm as well, but, you know, generally. There are two reasons for this.

First, and most important, virtually all firms want to know something about a candidate to find out if s/he fits their "model" of what they want in a new teammember, usually WAY before you find out their name. Second, we have agreements with the firms to conduct searches confidentially, and there are a lot of good, and some silly, reasons for this. You know, you're a beagle. . .beagles are cagey.

The upshot of all of this is that if you call back with a ton of questions that you want answered before you're willing to let Joe, or any other recruiter, "see what you got," you're gonna be depressed, and you're still not gonna get the information. Our job is to find candidates that fit the pattern the Law Firm drew, not the other way around. Don't worry about YOUR information getting out. Now, Joe KNOWS that there are some dork recruiters out there, but they're widely known, and so are their methods, and, anyway, there's a simple solution. You simply notify the recruiter that your info is confidential and can't be released without your permission.

In Joe's case, I generally ask a bunch of questions about your practice, your comp. level, your caseload, hourly rate, and so on. Find out what you like and don't like. Are you ready to move or just looking. Red wine or white. (just kidding). But, after the first discussion, Joe isn't ready to paper the world with your resume. . .it's just like a blind date, you know? Joe is sizing you up. And it's an important part of the process, even if it IS a little silly.

When an associate starts looking for all kinds of information (we call if "fishing a dry lake," or some other colorful expression, thus the term "fishing"), we mostly figure you're not interested, or, even more importantly, that you're gonna be a pain to work with. And that's okay too, except get THIS: Joe doesn't need a job. Joe isn't LOOKING for a job. Joe HAS a job. And, even if you're the greatest Associate in the world, and even your DOG calls you Stud ("Yo, Stud, 'sup?!"), things could change in an instant, and you could be fighting your dog for access to the food bowl. If you don't believe me, just check out the "Newsline" any week. And there's NO attorney harder to place than one who isn't working.

More to the point, placements rarely occur quickly. For example, even if Joe LOVES you, and you love Joe, and you're DEFINITELY looking to move, building a profile, sending all the information to the firm, getting back their response (and YES takes a LOT longer than NO), and on, and on, can take, LITERALLY, months. And this is if they LIKE you.

So, here, in semi-condensed form, is Joe's advice for the working attorney:

1. You are NOT irreplaceable, and you have less than no control over what's going to happen at your firm. Even if they love you, things could change. Accordingly, you should ALWAYS be scanning the horizon, so, at the very least, you know what's out there, and your level of marketability.

2. When a recruiter calls you about an ACTUAL position, it generally means that they've learned enough about you to think you might be a fit for the position. Only stupid recruiters call with empty hands, and empty hands don't get paid.

3. An ethical recruiter will almost never reveal the client's name to you before they have you on paper in THEIR hands. That's as it should be. After all, if they'll give the law firm's name up to you without approval, how do you know they won't give YOU up to a law firm the same way?

4. We know, we KNOW! Recruiting calls are a pain in the butt. The only people who like them less than attorneys are recruiters. Frankly, Joe'd prefer it if all of the resumes of qualified attorneys would appear on his desk underneath the Job Order, in a neat little pile, so he didn't have to squander 80% of his day dodging, ducking, weaving, and jabbing, just to leave you a message about a job that you might, Joe said MIGHT. . .love. However, the device that accomplishes all this is still in development, so UNTIL that time, Joe needs to call YOU, and YOU need to call him back.

5. Remember, you either PROVIDE dinner, or you ARE dinner. Go ahead, be sarcastic, BE testy. . .get an attitude. Joe will leave you alone. For ever and ever, and EVER. You don't wanna be bothered, hey, it ain't no thing. I won't call you again. Even when your firm implodes and the MP decides to cut staff by 20%, I will NEVER make your phone ring. You want it, you got it. In fact, do me a favor, and LOSE MY NUMBER. However, six months later, don't be surprised if you get an email saying "told you so."

6. Even if you have the greatest job in the world, it's a good idea to have a current copy of EVERYTHING, which is to say, a PROFESSIONAL resume, a most excellent writing sample, a copy of your transcripts (unofficial is fine for the first "data dump"), and, if you're truly inspired, a sort of "Profile" that lists things you KNOW a law firm would want to know: Area(s) of practice, and time in each; significant work or cases; annual comp. level (Base level, base plus bonus, Total Comp); hourly rate and annualized billable hours, plus explanations for any squirrelly formulas; key needs (why I'd move, IF I moved, which I haven't said I'm going to do, yet); you know, a sort of "You, on Paper" only better. Take all of this and convert it into a file you can just email, and you're home and happening, and it's only a few minutes of your time once the major work is done.

7. Make a "wish list" of places, or situations, that would inspire you, or that you'd be prepared to move for. Even if you're "dug in" at your firm, SECONDS away from being made partner, if you get a call, you can at least say "Well, I'm very happy here, but if there was a job that had THIS (your wish list), I might be interested." Who knows? Next month, next week, heck, maybe even tomorrow, a firm could call with the job-O'-your-dreams. It could happen! Actually, it happens every day.

8. Finally, be NICE to the recruiter. Remember, law firms may call us, but the truth of the matter is that it's our job to find the perfect job for YOU (you being the candidate, wise guy). When we make a perfect placement, everybody wins: The Law Firm, 'cuz they found the right beagle; You, 'cuz you found the right job; your dog, 'cuz now he doesn't have to share his Kibbles 'n Bits with YOU; and, of course, the noble, shy, warm and friendly, almost puppyish JoeRecruiter, because he gets paid, which means he can now give even more money to HotsyTotsyJoe, about which, the less said the better. See, it's ALL good!

Remember, love your recruiter. Just don't LOVE your recruiter. And it wouldn't kill you to maybe pick up the phone now and then would it? Call your mother.

Bunnies, and Beagles, and Muffins, Oh My!

So, you've probably heard some of the terms we in the Legal Recruiting world use to describe you. No, not the dirty words we use to DESCRIBE you. . .rather the way we classify you. Here is a primer of some words that have been used to describe people, places, and things in the profession. They have the JoeSpin (tm) on them, but, as we all know, Joe is in the know. So if you use them in any other context, you're probably working with some punk at Wussy, Sissy, and Girly, instead of a Real Recruiter. Joe will have more to say on this crap later.

First of all, all lawyers are attorneys which are lawyers, which are BEAGLES. This was born in the middle of a Sushi Storm with both hot AND cold Sake. Joe thinks someone was trying to say "Legal Eagle," but it seemed like too much work, so now, all Legal Eagles are Beagles. As in "I don't know, Mr. Fanucci, but let me call my Beagle, and we'll find out if this dead body in your cafe is a bad thing."

Bunnies: (bunny, singular): You. At least, when you first come out of school. See how cute you are with your little ears and your little tails, just EARNEST and HOPEFUL, and so SOFT and, well, BUNNY-Like. You'll be a bunny until you're a Third-Year at which time you'll become a

Joey or Freshman: Not as bad as a bunny, but, still, you know, in many ways, like a Bunny, but older. For those of you so disposed, don't ever EVER call yourself a "FROSH." You will be ridiculed from New York to LA and everywhere in between. Joe will make sure of it. However, if you mind your manners, and become a good multi-year associate, start to develop a practice and a following, eventually, you will become (music please), a

Stud: Again, not gender-specific. It's like "dude." You are either "dude" or you are "not dude." In California, Las Vegas, Seattle, Portland, Phoenix, and many other cool cities, you're actually allowed to smack someone who says "dudette," or something else equally lame, and Joe supports that rule with stud. Boy or girl, woman or man, if you're a stud, you're a stud, and if you're not, you're not. If you're not, don't call Joe, because Joe only deals with studs. Call one of the BigBoys.

BigBoy: One of the national/international/world-wide, multi-cultural, multi-office, soup to nuts, "we do it all for you" recruiting practices that know less about Legal Recruiting than Joe does about Bikini Waxing (although you'd be surprised). Or one of the bigBIG Legal Recruiting houses that are the same kind of operation, with many more recruiters than there are jobs, and not one single personal relationship with a law firm at all. What Joe doesn't ever want to be. It's like BigLaw to Lawyers. They're more about quantity than quality, at least in the "early years." But Joe, and even the BigBoys, need BigLaw for our Joeys and Studs. See, it's a circle of life. . .Sir Elton would be so pleased. Come, Simba.

Finally, a word has to be said about where all (or most, anyway) of this lingo comes from. Some of you may be thinking, "Of Course, Johnny Lingo!" but in this case, you would be wrong. No, Joe learned almost everything he knows, and a great deal of what he doesn't know, from BigDaddy PapaJoe. BigDaddy PapaJoe is the last of the great Legal Recruiters. Sadly, he is no longer recruiting, having burnt out trying to predict which of the BigLaw firms would be the first to reach a Million Dollars PPP. He had index cards and everything. Joe still remembers the last time he saw BigDaddy PapaJoe, in four-point restraints, being dragged off to the state Hospital, where he rots to this day, handicapping cockroaches for the weekly tournaments. There's a lesson here, although Joe doesn't know what it could possibly be.

Oh yeah, I remember: Love your Legal Recruiter. That's always good advice.

Comes Now The Flood-Questions, we get Questions!

Already it's starting. JoeRecruiter takes just a little snack break, and all heck breaks loose. I kid you not, twenty minutes after the first post and Joe's cell phone was ringing off his very stylish and not at all cheap belt. The "mail call" bong was clanging in Joe's sensitive ears. It was a madhouse. Joe needed a Red Bull and he needed one quick (hey, if it's good enough for Madonna, it's good enough for Joe).

Fine, questions you got, answers Joe's got. Hands, please. Let's with the hands!

1. SO, UH, JOE, SHOULD I JUST GO WITH ANY LEGAL RECRUITER, OR, YOU KNOW A SPECIALIST? Let us ask one of our female guests who she'd rather have her pelvic completed by. . .just any old doc (or, come to think of it, a dentist or a vet), or a specialist. What do YOU think, Sherman? A specialist, of course. By which, I mean, not just someone who recruits Legal on Thursday, and Medical on Friday, and Engineering on Tuesday, and Accountants on Wed. . .you know what I mean. I mean, you should go with someone who KNOWS law firms and legal recruiting, and does it full time. Does it have to be Bigge Fatte & Huge, Mega Recruiting Firm of the Gods? Sure, if you want to be one of the THOUSANDS of potential recruits they want (NEED) to place. Think about it. . .how many placements do they HAVE to make a month, week, day, hour to pay for that very expensive real estate inside the corridors of power in EVERY major city in the U S of A?

So, if you're the Hiring Partner at Picky and Snippy and Snaub, LLC, WHICH recruiter are you going to call first with the plum assignment. . .the one that HAS to fill four before lunch, or the one that has time to go through their files, find exactly the perfect candidate or three, and submit them, knowing that the odds on bet is that at least one of them will fit your candidate profile like a wet glove? Right, that's what Joe is saying. Little else needs to be said.

2. WHAT ABOUT THEM THERE "MARKETING CAMPAIGN" WEBSITES, AND BY THE WAY, SHOULD I EVER HAVE TO PAY TO BE PRESENTED? Let's do part B first. Joe says this emphatically: You should NEVER ever have to pay to have your credentials presented to a law firm, and if you're ever asked to pay anything (even postage), you should run away screaming. And tell your friends. Your enemies, you can send there. No ethical recruiter would ever ask a candidate to pay to present them. No ethical recruiter would ever present you without your knowledge. No ethical recruiter would ever present you by name without your prior consent. And NO ethical recruiter would ever contact you about a position without an actual assignment.

Now, having said all the above, Joe will on occasion call a potential candidate to assess their interest in an "unnamed" position: "Bobby, this is JoeRecruiter calling about a position for a third-year associate with a major law firm who has significant experience in Pigeon Rights. If this is of interest to you or someone of your acquaintance, please call me at 777-888-9999." In this case, if you called back and said "Joe, Bobby LOVES Pigeon Rights, it's all I dream about," Joe would call the Firm (Feather, Flutter, Fluff, PA) and say "Firm, this is JoeRecruiter, and I have a third-year with significant experience in Pigeon Rights who might be willing to move for the right offer. If the position is available still, please call Joe." And there you are.

As far as "Legal Marketing Campaigns," Joe believes that's a buncha armadilla crap. They claim to have proof. Joe suggests you ask for the proof, in writing. When you send it to Joe, he will apologise. And not one second before. Joe DOES think this COULD work, in the same way that SOME attorneys DO get hired off websites and by submitting to Law Firms' own portals, but, again, if this is you, Joe wonders why you're not doing something better with your time, and by the way, so do the smart law firms.

3. WHAT ABOUT PARTNERS, JOE? YOU DIDN'T SAY A BLOODY THING ABOUT PARTNERS, JOE!

Joe is a very bad person. You're right, Joe gave the partners short shrift, and he apologizes. For the record, so do the firms. They HATE to call Joe for Partners because they don't like to pay the fees. In fact, this past week, Joe got a call from a person who shall remain nameless but who works for a very big law firm in a very dynamic city, which law firm is losing partners like Joe is losing his hair. The charming Attorney Recruiter flat out told Joe s/he would NOT pay for Partners but, if Joe knew of a Partner with 10 years of experience in Veeblefetzers and a portable book, they would "consider" signing a contract for (get this!) future placements.

Joe thanked the Recruiter for his/her time, and pointed out that he knew of just such a partner, who he was going to recommend to VBLF's major competitor, now that he knew they had a weakness in that department. Of course, he didn't say it out loud. What he did say was "As a matter of fact, I DO know of such a person, but before I could present him/her, I'd need a signed copy of our contract before we could proceed. If you prefer, we'd be happy to look at YOUR standard contract." Not just no, but "NAY!" said the Recruiter, and POOF, the Firm was PREY said the Joe. Welcome to the jungle, you tender morsel, you.

Partners are great, but law firms get WAY too skitchy about them. They're harder to place, take a LOT more time to develop, present, schedule, and so on, and they're a LOT of work. It's SO not worth doing all that work if the hiring firm doesn't want to pay the fee, because it takes Joe away from smooth, easy placements that happen fairly quickly. If you're a partner, and you want to move, you should contact a recruiter yourself, and start the ball rolling. Law firms LOVE to hire partners, especially if you have portable business, and most of it will stay with you. The closer you are to a million dollars or more in final portable business, the easier you are to place.

Finally, entire partner groups, especially successful ones, are rock solid gold, but you should be ready to move fairly quickly, because when the deal solidifies, you'll have to move fast. The concept of, um, "glacial preparation" does not hold in group moves.

4. I'M PRETTY SURE I WANT TO MOVE FIRMS FOR (INSERT HERE) REASON. WHEN SHOULD I MAKE THE MOVE?

There really is no best BEST time, but there is a worst time, and that is any time you have less than three years in at the associate level. Before then, your "market value" is relatively unproven; you have no "street cred", even if you're the winningest attorney in your field. There's also a worse time to go when you're a partner, and that is when you're on the "other side" of being the "golden boy" or "golden girl" for a practice. For example, there's an attorney in one firm who is the darling of a particular legal community; head of the local office, extremely good at one particular area of the law, just a shining star. We're telling him/her that NOW is the time to make a deal. S/he wants to wait a year or two, until things "quiet down." Joe pointed out that, when things get the quietest is right AFTER your funeral. S/he didn't appreciate the comment, but Joe is right. You're only a rainmaker while the rains come. No more rain, no more rainmaker. (Or as Joe's favorite French grandmother used to say "Even the BEST Rooster will eventually end up in a pot.")

And, Finally, (Oh, Thank (Insert Whomever Here)!),

5. JOE, I LOVE YOU; I WANT YOU TO REPRESENT ME; MY LAW FIRM WANTS TO HAVE YOU REPRESENT US; (I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY, JOE; YOU FUNNY GUY, JOE; LOVE YOU LONG TIME, ETC.).

Flattered as Joe is, this is really a public service to the Legal Community. Ah, I see the confusion on your little legal faces. Hmmmmmmm. I got it. . . it's like Pro Bono for Lawyers. The purpose of this blog is to teach, to break down the walls of hysteria, confusion, myth, legend, and extremism, and replace them with rationality, logic, and, well, a certain amount of style.

Joe wants the Law Firm to LOVE the outside Legal Recruiter. Joe wants the professional Legal Recruiter to LOVE the Law Firm. Joe wants the practicing attorney to keep practicing, not go off on some search for meaning that will never end. If you went to law school, you were meant to be a lawyer, on some level. Okay, maybe not, but having the wrong job doesn't mean that you picked the wrong life. At least, it doesn't have to.

More importantly, Joe wants to make enough money to buy the CUTEST little island off the coast of Costa Rica, and he can't do that if you yoyos keep fighting. Okay, I'm kidding. I already HAVE enough money. What I want is power. Lots and lots of power. And hair. Lots and lots of hair. Yup, that's it. Power, and Hair. Mostly hair.

Keep them questions coming. I'll treat them with all the respect they deserve. Honest!