Suck It. Imperative, Declarative, or Interrogatory? Discuss.

First of all, let's establish some ground rules. I won't be talking in third person much today. Takes too much time, and I ain't got that kind of time. Also, I'm bitter. How bitter you ask? Well, let me see. Double Asparagus, no celery for two weeks bitter, and musty bitter at that.

With respect to the typeface, let's just say that this decision was imposed on me by the good people at Blogspot. Thank you, good people at blogspot. Let's also remind ourselves that it is JUST past the SECOND anniversary of the first request for an internal spell-checker for postings for our blogs. In fairness, Joe was NOT the first to request a spell-checker, oh MY no.

So, why the bitterness? You are all, of course, familiar with the expression, evil and sexist tho it may be "Bros before, um, something something-O-S", right? For those of you pretending to be dumb, it means that your friend doesn't, um, "sock"-block you if you're out and you find you like someone and you decide to make a run for them, even if your friend ALSO thinks they're cute. You get first dibs.

AFTER you crash and burn, IF you're not too traumatized, and especially IF you decide you were too good for them, THEN your friend MAY ask for permission to approach. OF course, this only counts if your friend is NOT your wing-man. For the record, even if your friend is a girl, and she decides to go for the cutie, because that's the reason she rejected you [you should be so lucky], she is still referred to as a "wing-man" if that's what she was being when you went out. There is NO such thing as "wing-woman", just like there's no such thing as"dudette."

Anyway, Joe's friend broke the no approach rule, and Joe really REALLY dug the hottie. So Joe told the friend (who was NOT being a wing-man, but STILL) "we're done." And then silence ensued for many days, and Joe avoided all their places, and phone calls, and whatnot. Finally, just hours ago, ex-friend managed to trap Joe at a locale, and said "hey aren't you going to say anything to me?" and Joe, obligingly said, "Yeah. . . . suck it!", and that's how we ended up with the theme for this installment of the blog. Yay! Thank You ex-friend. For the record, I decided I'm too good for the cutie, anyway. I hope it was worth it.

Oddly enough, I didn't decide to relate this jumbled tale of pathos to you either to elicit sympathy or or to share with you my messed up life, but rather, I thought it sort of neatly paralleled the big hoo-hah with Associate Pay, Partner shifts, jealousy among the Mid-Associate ranks over associate pay hikes, and various and sundry other issues.

Let me see if I can make sense of this for you. Okay. I can't. No one can. It's a mess. No one can make sense of this for you. Because it's freakin' stupid. But I'll try to clear at least some of it up.

First of all, the Associate Pay Hikes fiasco. Everybody has talked about this. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is listening. The firms know it's a game. Recruiters know it's a game. The Law Schools know it's a game. Even newly-minted and freshly scrubbed Associates know it's a game. So why do they do it? Because, everybody's trapped inside a feedback loop that they can't get out of. How can I explain this? I got it.

Remember the closing credits of the Jetsons when George goes out to walk Astro? Right. After Astro starts chasing that stupid cat and jumps OFF the treadmill, George is trapped on it, and can't get off, and it sucks him down under and around and around and around and around, and he yells for Jane to come and "stop this crazy thing!"? The Associate Pay Hike Game is George Jetson on the freakin' treadmill. Sadly firm MPs are either too unaware (not very bloody likely) or too proud (Mos' Def) to call for Jane to come help them, and stop this ccrazy thing.

For their part, the Associates rock it, because there's nothing that's better for a baby-lawyer than telling a potential conquest how much he makes, unless it's Ro-Hypnol, and that crap's not as easy to get as it once was, and, even when you have it, people are MUCH less trusting than they once were. . .these days, they take their drinks WITH them when they go potty. . . .or so Joe's heard.

Of course, Mid-level Associates, especially junior middles (the very WORST associates, the associates EVERYONE loves to hate, including clients, partners, MPs, recruiters, small children, and their pets, and most other forms of sentient life, including OTHER Mids), are LOVING this, because they see it as THEIR Ticket to Ride [the asses of partners, HR, EDs, their Mentors, and everybody else they haven't annoyed, tormented, or alienated . . . .yet). Granted, that's an excruciatingly small percentage of the population of the known universe, but they don't muchly care. . .a Mid's job is to torture, the same way a Mongoose's job is to attack a Cobra, and my Ex's job was to suck out my soul.

So now, there's another arrow in their liverish quiver. . .one more whine to gratingly apply to the ears of their friends, colleagues, and superiors. . .(imagine a scratchy tin horn playing in the background while one of Satan's minions plays a badly tuned violin and the evil Mid scratches his yellowish and perversely thick nails on a blackboard, while delivering this speech:)

"Since the new Associates are getting raises, and they haven't even DONE anything to deserve a raise, and since WE are the ones who do the all the work around here, don't you think it's appropriate to ask foR consideration for at least a SMALL increase in compensation during the next salary review period? After all, WE are the ones who train the new people, take on the majority of complex work that has to be done, and deal with the Senior staff as well. I mean, we do a LOT!" And so on and so FORTH. WHINE WHINE WHINE!!!!

Okay, that's all true, sort of. And yet, NOBODY CARES. Nobody. See what happens when even a Brown Recluse says to himself "Self, just walk away. You don't want any part of this. It's a MIDDY. You bite this guy, he'll poison YOU." Fortunately for them, most Mids work through this stage of their lives and become Seniors (for those not quite WITH the program, what I mean is Senior Associates, who are actually almost human, insofar as an Attorney CAN be considered a human, and I won't get into the discussion as to whether or not a lawyer IS considered to be still Human. Me, I vote yes, but then, I'm a legal recruiter. . .what the hell do I know?). Seniors are great. Almost Partners, absolutely not Mids. And they know more than newby Associates. If they were food (and for most BigLaws, they are) they would be a tasty snack.

Some out there in the quasi-real world have foolishly attributed the "jealousy" over beginning pay hikes to Seniors. Wrong. Mayhaps a few Mid-to-Seniors are unhappy. There are dummies in EVERY profession, we all know that. But, the truth of the matter is that the overwhelming percentage of the kvetching has come from the Mids. Even if I liked them, I'd still have to admit to this, and so would they.

In a few markets, it's true that Senior pay hasn't kept up, and it's ALSO true that SOME Seniors at SOME firms have been getting reamed for years on bonuses, but we ALL know who these people are, and we all know who these firms are, and if you're stupid enough to work for a firm like this, you get what you deserve.

Let me also say that these firms ALSO know who THEY are, and Lawyers are abandoning them like rats from a burning Spanish Galleon, as well they should, and if YOU are a law firm that knows WHY good lawyers are leaving you, and you don't have the sense to fix the problem, then you don't get to complain about it.

Joe hears this all the time. Joe READS about it all the time. And so does everybody else. Complain, complain, complain. Gripe, gripe, gripe. Moan, moan, moan. You know what? Shut the hell up! I mean it. I'm dead serious. You guys know what the problem is. You caused it. It's YOUR freakin' fault. You don't want to change anything, then DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING. But stop WHINING about what's wrong . Especially stop acting like a poor innocent VICTIM for pete's sake. Like you were just STANDING there, and then all this terrible stuff just sort of HAPPENED to you.

I swear, if I read ONE MORE ARTICLE about how Law Firms can't get attorneys to stay, how quality suffers, how there's no continuity, and how clients are beginning to feel abandoned, I may just climb to the top of the tallest tower in my home town, strip down to my jammies, and start shooting spitwads at passers-by. It's been a while, but I was pretty good there for a while with my wrist-rocket, and I don't care WHAT you say. . .paper is environmentally friendly.

So, class, what have we learned? Well, we've learned that Mids are ev. . .I mean, that Mids have a way to go. Partners rock. Law Firms are mostly victims of the problems that they cause themselves, and that spitwads are environmentally friendly. It has been a rich, and a full day.

Oh, and we learned about wing-men. Teach your wing-man. Make sure she has your back.

Love Your Recruiter!!



JoeRecruiter

Don't Bare your Bodkin or That Mirkin is Workin'!

Well, sports fans, it has been SOME of those weeks, let Joe tell something to you. This entry will have a whole mess o' little tests in it, and you can bet your Golden Banana on that. But let me tell you why. . .(for the record, just in case your Twonky isn't fully operational, there have been Six, so far. . .let's go over them. . .The first, Shakespeare, duh. Second, the Mirkin. Third, the Ramon Reference. Fourth, the Banana. Fifth, let me tell you why. And sixth, the Twonky.) Now, had Joe Vastened you fully on the Twonky reference, it would have been a twofer, and, of course, if Joe had said "some of these DAYS," instead of some of those weeks, that would have made the total EIGHT.

Why all the tests? Well, apparently, things are not advancing well enough with Junior Partner. Oh, trust Joe, in the illicit and sleazy department, things are going EXACTLY as well as they should be (and, for the record, let us just say that a Certain Restaurant and Lounge Combo and That Towers Over La Ciudad Sinho has taken more of Joebo's money than anybody else for FAR too long, and Joe will be fixing THAT crap up in a VERY short time!).


So, Jinkies!, it looks like it's time to find a fill-in (actually SEVERAL fill-ins. . .Junior Partner is NO punk when it comes to, uh, 'generating work' if you catch Joe's meaning), thus the test.

Given Joe's winning smile, strikingly cute face, rock-hard butt, and shy, almost. . .retiring personality, SOMETHING had to be done to, you know, have SOME kind of qualifying SOMETHING. . .there just aren't enough hours in the day otherwise. . .and Joe has to get a little work out SOMETIMES.

Speaking of which, what is going ON with you people? Especially you Associates? Especially you SENIOR Associates? Especially you Senior Associates who want to make Partner, and CLEARLY are not reading the Joester well enough (or, can Joe say this. . .frequently enough. By the way, Joe DOES take requests. . . .TIME FOR AN ASIDE. . .WALK WITH ME. . .)

ASIDE: In response to the, actually, surprisingly numerous inquiries, Joe wants to tell you that he would VERY MUCH like to blog more often, but doesn't usually have a lot to say, until something gets under his recruiting skin. Plus, even though it doesn't look like it, Joe actually has to work. . .like a DAWG, to afford the lifestyle to which he has SO become accustomed, but even more so. . .but don't tell anyone for pete's sake. Anyway, you can talk to Joe about anything, you know that, right? It's between just us monkeys. Joe's just saying. But, yeah, talk to Joe about stuff you want to know more about. What we really think. Junk like that there. If you ever tell anyone you caught Joe in a gentle moment, Joe WILL find you. I'm just saying. ASIDE ENDS HERE.

So, about these Associates. And the "NEW" news about Associate pay going sky-high. Of course, there's always a trade-off. Yeah, there is. Look, don't go crazy over the money at the BigLaws going up and down, and what the offset is. It's a game Associates, Firms, the LawPress, and the rest of us have been playing with one another for years.

Clients play it too: "Oh ma gawd, Board, them Loyers are stickin' it to us agin; whut we gon' dew Paw!?

Board: Tragedy, thy name is Lawyer! Ay, Crew-el world. Visit not 'pon this poor company again thy vicious treacheries! Ah, Fie! Blah, Blah. . .we have no choice, nay none at all, but to tell all the investors that we took a bath because of unusual and unexpected increases in operating expenses, but if you piss us off again, we won't protect you, we'll burn you like a witch at the stake in Old Salem, you got me!?

Client: Yuppers, I shore do! In the meantime, could we discuss my comp?

Board: Go thou, fiend. And, no frickin' way. You're lucky we even HAVE external counsel, ya putz!

And so it goes.

Meanwhile, recruiters call you dorks up, and you act like you're each, and individually, the only people on the planet who ever read Prosser's 2nd. . .but you're not smart enough to pretend you even LIKED it (some of us DID, by the way. . .ruh roh!). And we say "hey. . . you. . . (hint. . .7th clue). . .wanna work for a really dynamic law firm?" and we don't even bug you or ANYTHING, and you're all SNOTTY about it.

And when we ask for ACTUAL details, you get all defensive. Well guess what, Scooter? We do as much PRE-search as we can, but, not actually BEING psychic Joeself (many recruiters, it turns out, are also, NOT psychic), I NEED to know if my guess is as good as it is, or if you're only a REALLY GOOD lawyer, and not So Good Joe's Mother Would Throw Joe Under The Bus To Adopt You GOOD Lawyer.

Because here's the thing, Oh Great among the Greatest. Joe may be a punk, but he's as arrogant as YOU are, and he has YEARS on you, building a reputation for finding the BEST lawyers, not just the SECOND best, or the ALMOST best, or the. . . you get the idea.

But here's the OTHER thing. EVERY recruiter in the world wants the best candidate they can find. Just like every Lawyer wants the best client they can find. Yeah, there ARE some Lawyers that like to bottom feed, but that's not YOU, right? Well, it isn't Joe, either. And it isn't MOST other recruiters in the world. And it isn't virtually ANY Law Firm. EVERYBODY wants the best they can find.

Now it's also true that water finds its own level, and there is a limit as to how GOOD people are willing to pay for. . .there's a reason why some people buy cars with, say, "Cord" on the Marque, and some pay more for, ummmmm. . . .oh. . ."Jenz", let's say. There's also a reason why Joe drinks certain types of effervescent beverages as opposed to others, and Joe thinks we're all on the same page here.

Having said ALL of the above. . .if Joe has learned ANYTHING, either by himself, or by listening, VERY carefully, to EVERYONE who EVER said ANYTHING about recruiting, or hiring lawyers, or anything else. . . Joe has learned THIS, for SURE (Joe has a BIG FRICKIN' MOUTH, but Joe always, Always, ALWAYS listens to people who have experience that he does not, especially when THEY are doing what he is NOT YET ABLE to do. . .Joe listens to EVERYTHING. You can ALWAYS discard that which is worthless, but if you never hear it, you'll never even know):

You may have the perfect job, today. You may have the PERFECT life, today. You may BE perfect. Today. But life can change COMPLETELY, tomorrow. So always, Always, ALWAYS listen when someone offers you another option. You can always say no. But ALWAYS listen. Because, unless you have the power to CHANGE the future, you really can't KNOW it.

And that is the end of our sermon. If you'll please return your hymnals to the holder in front of you, you may consider yourself excused. Joe is DONE preaching for today. Joe is APPARENTLY full of some kind of Spirit.

In any event, be flattered when someone wants to talk to you for a job. It could be worse. . .they could want NOT to talk to you. Joe's just saying.



LOVE your Recruiter!!

JoeRecruiter

p.s. Now get out there and send people to the damn blog. . .spread far and wide the word! (hey, once Joe gets started preaching, he goes for it!)



CORRECTION:

It has been brung to Joe's attenzione that there were, in fact (as opposed to in point of fact. . .we'll be getting back to this in a moment, by the way), TEN potential references, not eight, as adduced in the foregoing. In Joe-glish, this means, I said they wuz eight insides, if you count all the potentials, but they is in fact ten. Because Joe foolishly forgot to count at the END of the rant, to, you know, CLOSE OUT the rant, which is HIGHLY irregular (hint: another one. The exact quote is: "This is HIGHLY irregular Commander!").

While we're at it, Joe would like someone to explain to him when you should say "in fact. . ..bluh bluh bluh. . ." and when you should say "in point of fact, bluh bluh bluh. . . ." Joe is JUST asking.