BigPapa MauMau and Crack Alley Sally

A long time ago, in a Galaxy, Far, Far Away. . . JUST KIDDING! Besides, your JoeR is Pretty Damn Sure you can't even USE them there words any more. In that particular arrangement, anyway. Joe will check. Joe will check with Taxxy McDancer! Taxxy McDancer is your JoeR's name for his new most favourite Lawyerly Beagle EVER! Lawyer! CPA! Break Dancer! RockStar! He Does It All!

Actually, Joe doesn't know Taxxy McDancer.

Joe's new BFF Studdly McHotty, Jr., however, DOES.

Studdly Junior (Little Stud, to his friend(s), much to Joe's discomfort), is ALSO a Legal Recruitist, and met Taxxy the RockStar at a HooHah Hootenanny for the Future Rich, or somesuch nonsense. Joe doesn't really know, because Joe doesn't really care. Funny how that works, idn't it?

Or maybe they danced. Not quite sure on the details.

Anyway, Taxxy is a RockStar. And a Marvelous Dancer. And can fillet a (an?) LLC with Laser-like precision. Or something.

Which reminds JoeR, go get a nice piece fish for lunch.

And apparently, he's cute, too.

JUST KIDDING!

Joe totally made that up.

Joe wouldn't know a cute guy face if it walked up and bit him on the butt. And if a cute guy face, or, to be dead honest, if a cute anything face walked up and bit Joe on the butt, it would TOTALLY piss off Junior Partner, given that she was recently scolded for SPANKING your JoeR on the butt.

True, it WAS in front of JoeR's One and Only Mama. And True, she DID make your JoeR call her BIG Mama. And, yes, it is ALSO True that she filmed it and sent copies to Joe's entire High School Graduating class.

But the part about Joe singing the entire Star Spangled Banner while dressed in a Flag Diaper is TOTALLY false. It was a completely WHITE, regular diaper.

But your JoeR got completely off track, didn't we? Yes, we did. That is so not okay. Kidding again. Most beagles wouldn't know the difference, anyway. . .your JoeR reads Opinion Letters by the ream, and legal writing by the boxful (recruiter, 'member?). Joe has decided that ADD is the official unofficial avocation of most beagles, which is a good thing, because Joe has decided that smart and floxipated go together like, well, how can Joe say this?, like. . .um. . .Got It!

Like, your date orders Lobster, and s/he is SO putting out. But your Joe would NEVER say that, let alone let it go to print. Never Never Never. Ever. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, off track.

So, what do BigPapa MauMau and Crack Alley Sally have to do with one another? Well, as you know, BigPapa MauMau is Joe's One True Father-type Father's Really And For True Father's Name, and Crack Alley Sally is Joe's Friend, Adviser, Confidant, Early Warning System, Bodyguard, Bank, and, apparently, Future Past Aluma-us-ae-whatever (LSAT 178. . .WTF? Hand me that pipe!), and, she also makes the cutest little Holiday Decorations for Lovely Table Displays, or something, according to Junior Partner (Joe only reports, he does not decide, also according to Junior Partner). Joe says . . . .nevermind what Joe says.

What brought this on is that, finally, for the first time in, like, Joe-dunno, a century, there seems to be a "loosening-up" in some of the law firms. A change in the way firms (some of them) are focusing on a totality of metrics. Or, perhaps a better way to explain this is, a moving away from JUST metrics.

Over here, one firm has developed a two-tier comp plan. You can be a machine, and get paid more for just grinding out raw numbers of hours. Or, you can make a little less, and have a life. Joe digs this. There was a time when Joe was all about the dollars, baby. And the hours. Still is, mostly. But not as much. A little less. Now, this law firm says, hey, it's a menu. You can pick. Could be meat, could be cake, as the saying goes. Joe says, Right On.

Over here, a firm says, wisely, timesheets are stupid. They lie. They misrepresent what lawyers do, and they don't present an accurate account of the value of what lawyers DO. Besides that, they make people think that the value of lawyer work lies ONLY in the representation of lawyering work as an hour-by-hour thing, which it so is not. Joe agrees.

Joe's Dear, Dear Friend and Enema, Feeley McFinster, Esq., Liar and Attorney-At-Law, Lawyer and Shyster, Huckster and Counselor, is a big, HUGE, scumbag, I mean advocate, of timesheets, and he accounts for every second of every day. Sometimes two or three times, just to be sure.

Feeley's a character. For example, he never actually lies, really. Joe just said that to be mean. He quite truthfully tells you he's giving you a Prostate Massage, (assuming you're a male person of the male gender, and that you do, in fact, HAVE a prostate gland), at no additional charge whatsoever. However, a person like Joe-self might uncharitably characterise this as Feeley, um, how can Joe say this?

Ah, yes, let's just call it, uh, " . . . .bending you over the desk and shagging you like a crazy, angry monkey, or a sugared-up ten-year old with an authority problem. . . "

Joe knows, Joe knows. Not all lawyers, and certainly not all Law Firms, would do this kind of stuff, and certainly if anybody found out about this kind of nonsense, they'd put a swift and final stop to it, and you'd be right. And certainly, you're absolutely correct that there's probably only one lawyer out there like Feeley, and thank [insert here] for that.

It's also true that flat pricing, or value pricing, or whatever-the-hell-you-wanna-call-it-pricing ain't no panacea either, thank you very much. Everything has its own set of problems. Fine, Joe'll stip to all of that. But Joe's sticking to his (toy, sigh) guns on this one. Timesheets suck, because they suck, because they suck. And they suck because they suck.

Moreover they suck because grownups shouldn't have to account for their time like five-year olds, and Joe wouldn't do it, ever, and never will. And if for no other reason, SOMEBODY oughtta sack up, and the next time someone asks an ADULT to account for their time, say "No. I'm not a five-year old, and I don't ACCOUNT for my time like a child! I'm done with this. If you don't trust me to do my job, and give you fair value for the money, then you don't trust me enough to do the job, so maybe we need to reconsider our relationship. If your timesheet is more important to you than our relationship, I think we're done. Take a day, and think about it, and let me know tomorrow."

And the Officers need to stand up to their boards, and the boards need to stand up to their Stockholders. It's not hard. Trust Joe. Joe IS a stockholder. Joe doesn't need to be told how many minutes Law Firm B spent drafting Agreement A on Matter K. Nobody Cares. Nobody. Unless they're a freak. How many Law Firms want to be known for representing freaks? Okay, Entertainment Law Firms don't have to answer. And Certain Billionaires don't count. Or Criminals. Or Joe's Lawyers. Or Junior Partner.

Joe would LOVE to know how many actual grownups elected to pursue the profession of law. Not counting the above.

Over Here, right HERE, a Law Firm has said, "Hey, You, we're not hiring any more Associates, for a minute, so we can focus on Laterals. Good Laterals. Tasty Laterals. Smoky Laterals. Well-Seasoned Laterals, but with a hint of spice, and a robust, tanginess that should go well with a nice juicy red. . . .sorry, Joe was watching a certain programme on a certain channel, and, well, you know, the right lateral can make your mouth water. Maybe that's just Joe.

Joe just realised that he should have explained that he meant Lateral Partners, as opposed to lateral Associates. Sorry, it's a recruiting thing. And a Joe being Lazy thing. It was easier to just tell you Partners once, down here, than go through and change that WHOLE paragraph up there, and also teach you how we think in the recruiting world.

Anyone who tells you different is a liar. Liar, Liar, LIAR. Associate, Lateral, Group, Merger Partner. They may have different terminology, but, seriously, if a recruiter is talking to them, they're ALREADY a lateral, so to say, "Oh, we mean a lateral ASSOCIATE, or a lateral PARTNER, or a lateral GROUP, is just grandstanding, and they're showing off for you. Newby Lawyers are of no interest to recruiters because they're worth no money, and it's not worth the firm to pay to recruit them, so if a recruiter is talking to a lawyer, by definition, that lawyer IS a lateral attorney. Period. End of off-topic Grammar rant, sort of.

Back to a topically-related rant. This was a VERY good move. Good for the Law Firms, good for Lawyers, good for the Recruiting industry. Here's why. For the firms, they can get VERY focused on getting good Partners, and culling the chaff. All Law Firms should cull, and get tight. They should weed out the weaker partners, send them on their way, and use their recruiters to help them out-place those attorneys to other firms who might be delighted to have them, but who don't fit THEIR model.

Understand this; it's very important. I know it doesn't fit certain recruiting organisation ethics guidelines, but it's the truth and SOMEBODY has to say it.

There are very few really bad attorneys. There are a few, but, on the whole, the profession, like herds of buffalo, or reindeer, or wolves, tends to, um, eliminate the sicker, weaker, less, "survivable" members, as it should. AND it should. It should do it better, faster, more, but, over time, the systems generally clean the pool pretty well. It could, and should be better, but it's okay. All right, it's not, you know, okay, but it's almost okay. Okay.

Informal systems between law firms also operate, and those systems are in place between recruiters and lawyers, recruiters and law firms, and even between recruiters. It's not as smooth a process, or even as discreet (or even as discrete-non-math-majors, look it up), as it once was, but, again, it does exist.

So, a system of systems (a Meta-System) does exist. Recruiters are an important part of the system. "[Recruiting Organisation]" has kind of screwed it up, because it is stupid too, but [Recruiting Organisation] came about because of unethical recruiters who were short-sighted, didn't understand the profession, didn't understand lawyers, and didn't believe in the importance of law, and only cared about fees. Most of them are gone.

The rest will be gone when Law Firms get back to caring about Lawyers, and the profession, and that will happen when they start to pay attention to Lawyering again, and it's starting to happen again already, but it too will take time.

So, here's how it works, how it used to work, how it should work, how it will again, all kind of mixed together, like a lovely, tasty, high-fiber, nutritious, and yet, stunningly delicious salad (you wouldn't know it, but your Joe hasn't had lunch yet, and is Craving a Salad. . .admit it, you NEVER would have guessed):

Meet Sherman Fetlock. He is so ca-yute! Nice to his mama. Has a bulldog. Bridget. Not kidding. Good Lawyer. Works for Isa Goodit Hurtzel Ittle. Like Joe Said. He's good. However, as Tony the Tiger is reputed to have said, "They're Grrrrreat!". Their nick in the industry is "iggy." They hate it. But we love it, so Iggy, it is. In fact, since it looks so cool in lowercase, it's just iggy. As in "So big, and yet so small, iggy atty says charity begins at home," or something.

Sherman doesn't know it yet, but he isn't gonna make partner at iggy. That's okay, because iggy doesn't know that Sherm is in play. As of now. Joe wants Sherm's pelt to decorate the office of a client who wants someone who tastes suspiciously like Sherm. Smell that? Smells like fee.

See, this is good because everybody wins. Sherm and iggy were never gonna happen. Iggy will be all "Sherm, you are dead to me." And Sherm will be all, "Iggy, I want to have your children, really and for true." Joe will be all "Sherm, come with me, and I will sell you for caysh, and life will be good for the JoeBo, and I will buy many toys, most of them made of latex," and FirmBee (the LawFirm to which Joe is going to sell Sherm like a Crayzee Hookuh) will be like "Oh, Sherm, you BigHottMaing! You make me Shuddah! You are SO fine! Talk Legal to me, Daddy!" because, even though Sherm isn't good enough for Iggy he is SO much more than good enough for FirmBee (although your JoeR will be all "What are you TALKING about? You are WAY prettier than those other Law Firms. Would Joe even be here if I didn't think you were the best Law firm of all? You know. . . .Joe wasn't gonna say this, but, Joe could spend his time with ANY Law Firm. . . and Joe chose YOU. Joe picked Sherm especially for YOU. Because Joe cares about YOU. Not enough to drop the annoying third person thing, but, you know. . . a lot").

So, at the end of the day (Joe still dares to dream, a little), week (still dreaming), okay, month (oh, please!), century (closer), era (okay), wrapped in swaddling clothes, and lying [no, that's it], your Joe will deliver one Sherman T. Fetlock, Esquire, to the sweaty hands of FirmBee, cash the check, and give the money to Junior Partner, (Joe understands his role in life perfectly), who will place it in her account, and never give even a dime of it back to Joe, (and is completely fine with it, really), and who will spend virtually every cent of it within fifteen minutes online, (despite the fact that he works like a dog/mule/ox/elephant every second of every day), and never even, you know, thank Joe, or, you know, buy him anything, not even a cracker, (and does everything for everybody else, and nobody ever shows any appreciation), and send him on his merry way, (someone tell Joe why he freakin' breaks his back for these ingrates anyway, please, wouldja?). What were we talkin' about? Oh, yeah, Sherman Fetlock, Cleveland Housewife, and Mother.

So, back in the day, if Sherman were struggling, the Network might have been kicking in. Joe isn't saying, I'm just sayin'. Here's how it might go. Of course, Joe isn't saying, Joe's just sayin'. Because Joe would NEVER do this. Nor would anyone in any law firm, ever. Never. Never Never NEVER. Ever. Got That?

Sherman is a good lawyer. Really Good. Really REALLY Good. But this is iggy. Iggy Lawyers are the Best. I mean, really, REALLY the best. Sherman will never make Partner. We like him here at iggy. We like him awful. We even love him. A lot. We wanna take him home, and hug him and squeeze him, and call him George. But he will never be partner. Never. Never Ever. Ever. Because here at Iggy, we'll take you home, and call you George, and we'll fall in love with you, and we might even marry you.

We'll for sure take you home and let you have as much sex as you want with us, in all the positions you want with us, for as long as you want with us, as many times as you want with us, and we'll for sure bring the party favours with us, and we'll almost certainly pay for the lube that we bring with us, and we might even spring for a Hotel Room in which you hook up with us, at least once, and maybe even more times than just once, for you to hook up with us.

But one thing we won't do, ever, is make you a partner if you don't have it, and if you don't have it, you don't. Really, you just don't. And if you don't have it, you never will. And no matter how much we love you, and no matter how great you are in the sack, and no matter how cute you are, or how hot you are, or how much we care about you, and we really, REALLY care about you, Sherm, you will never EVER make partner. Never Ever. EVER.

So, if I'm the MP of iggy, I might call up a recruiter, say, Oh, hell, let's call him, uh, Fred, the Recruiter. Because that's SO not the name of any recruiters we know. Or that know any recruiters we know. Or that are related to any recruiters who know anybody that knows anybody that knows anybody that we know. You know? Right.

So, Fred, who doesn't know anybody infinity that we know infinity recruiters infinity that we know law infinity squared, right? Just checking, because we SO would never approve of this kind of monkey business, nor would anybody in a law firm blah blah infinity blah blah squared, right? okay. good. okay, here we go. i, uh, we, uh, they, uh, that is to say, someone, mean it this time. SO not kidding. Comin' atcha. No foolin'. Ready-ready.

Oh For Godsake! The MP calls your ass up and it says "Hey, You! This is MP here. I have an outstanding attorney, and, anywhere else, he'd have a chance, and, in fact, would probably already BE a partner, but, here at iggy, that will never happen. Informally, our general philosophy is to try to help these people find a meaningful place somewhere else where they have a chance to shine, because here, if they can't make partner, their chance to have a meaningful career is effectively at an end, and we hate to see that happen to anybody.

I want to be clear, this is a great attorney, he just doesn't have a future HERE. It'd be great if you could help this person out. We love him, he's a great attorney, he's just not going to be able to be as successful here as he could be somewhere else. In fact, to be blunt, he isn't going to be able to be successful here period. His career here, is over. Clearly I'll do my best to keep the news from spreading, but time is of the essence, and the clock is ticking."

Obviously, that call is going to be different with each MP, and between each MP and their recruiter, depending on the level of comfort, how well they know you, if they feel they can trust you, and a lot of other factors. It is a frank violation of so many ethical rules, Joe can't even begin to count. On the other hand, you get the chance to save the careers of so many absolutely great lawyers whose only mistake is that they're not a perfect fit for the firm they're at now.

These stories are legion. It happens every day. That's why Joe HATES it when the first question out of an MP's mouth is "how big is the book?" Who cares, you moron? That's freaking irrelevant. It's irrelevant, because by the time you hire this bozo, all those numbers are going to change anyway. This is Joe's list of what you should ask, and what you NEED to know. By the way, they're not necessarily the same thing.

Also known as "How to Find, and Hire, the Perfect Lawyer" by Your JoeR.

What you should ask/what you need to know:

1. Do This Lawyer's Clients Like Her? From the Beginning of the Matter to the End of the Matter, does the client's opinion change, and if so, does it go from worse to better, or better to worse. Yeah, wise guy. Don't laugh. Books (books of business) are composed of clients. If clients don't like the lawyer, ain't no bidness. Ain't no bidness, ain't no book. Buh bye.

2. Does the recruiter Like The Lawyer? As a person, does the recruiter LIKE the Lawyer. Not what the recruiter thinks of the Lawyer, but the Person. Lawyering mostly is between people. Even transactional work is a lot between people. What does the recruiter think? And again, it's not "how hard have you been told this here lawyer works, Billy Bob?" It's "what do you THINK?"

Tell the recruiter "whatever God you believe in decided to punish you in the worst way possible and now, you are me. You get to decide whether or not this beagle is a Foine addition to our team here at Eeny Meeny Miney and Urrrrp. Decide." It is always helpful at times like this to play a lovely, lonely, sad, lugubrious funeral dirge in the background.

(Note: Goatwhore's Funeral Dirge for the Rotting Sun comes highly recommended. Joe has long requested that Maurice Ravel's Pavane for a Dead Princess be played at HIS funeral; water finds its own level. Also, if Joe may say so, the music is somewhat uncharacteristic for Ravel, but clearly modernistic, very tightly composed, and somewhat frisky for a death composition . . . . come to think of it, FORGET IT! I want something NICE for when I die, you heartless jerks!). What? Oh, yes. Decide.

3. What does the non-lawyer staff at the current place of work think of the attorney? This is huge. Yuge! Because if the non-beagles in his current shack don't like him, it's almost a guarantee that YOUR staff won't like him. Why? Because you know that before the paint in his new office is even dry, YOUR staff will be on the phone to people who know people who know people at his old office, LONG before he leaves, to get the 4-1-1. No, baby, nobody calls directly, because, if they did, they could never truthfully tell you, "I didn't call anyone at his office, nor did anyone I know, nor did anyone I KNOW call anyone I know." See, absolutely truthful.

But weeks before a new attorney starts in your office, the non-attorney staff knows everything about him. Yeah, baby. Everything. EV. RY. THING. Uh Huh. That too. Even what he says, or moans, whimpers, or shouts, just before. Usually, that becomes his secret private nickname. You should hear yours. Trust Joe, it's a freakin' howl.

Here's Uncle Joe's magical test to find out if you're a stud or a dud. Walk down the hall. Does the conversation stop? That's a good sign. Look at each and every one of the NL staff, right in the eye. Each and every one. Boys, Girls, Others. All of 'em. Smile. Don't say a word. Just smile. Friendly, Jackass, I mean, you thoughtful soul, not dirty. Go to the potty, get a drink of water, some coffee, stretch your legs, do some Jumping Jacks, whatever. 'Kay. Go back to your office. Keep the door open. Listen. Silence is bad. Murmurs are good. Loud is good. Anything in between is bad. And the rest, well, send Joe an email. With pictures.

4. What do other lawyers, judges, judicial staff, and other people with whom this lawyer works closely think of him/her? Ask for references, and call them yourself. Don't ask your recruiter to, because s/he isn't YOU. You're looking for your gut to tell you what you think when you listen to them talk to you about the lawyer.

5. NOW, look at the book. Don't look at the numbers, so much, because they will ALL change on some level, especially when Scooter the Lawyer decides to come and snuggle with you and all the other lawyers, cuz all them lawyers at his OLD place were all mean and stuff, but he LIKES you guys. A'yeah. Look at his clients, especially with regard to the TYPES of clients. Look at YOUR clients. Because when you screw up, and [diety] knows, you WILL screw up, a bunch of them will go with him, because clients don't like law firms, regardless of what they told you in MP school. Clients don't like Law Firms, they like lawyers. They could give a--rhymes with, hmmmm, schmuck--about Law Firms, regardless of what they tell you.

RANT WARNING! RANT WARNING! RANT WARNING! THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Why Law Firms spend millions of dollars on Branding and Marketing and not even five hundred dollars on a single 3 Credit Hour undergraduate class on Cognitive Psychology is beyond Joe. Especially when MIT has put 1700 of its classes online. For free. How stupid ARE you people? Sorry. Uninformed. And you wonder why you aren't more profitable? And you're worried about this lawyer's BOOK? He should worry about YOUR business practices, Saints preserve us. RANT ENDS HERE. PLEASE RESTORE PROTECTIVE DEVICES TO READY STATUS. SOUND ALL CLEAR.

6. Does his leg go all wonky when you scratch his side? House-trained? Good Hygiene? Manners? Funny? Nice to the help? Don't kid yourself, all of these are important. Especially the side-scratching. If a beagle can't entertain you for free, he's no damn good. Besides, it's funny. And funny is good. If your JoeR was funny, imagine how much you'd like him. I KNOW, me too!

7. Take the Lawyer to lunch. Not breakfast, unless it's rush. Why, you ask? Because lunch is freakin' busy. You want to see how the lawyer actually treats the help, unless you're a bigjerk and are a jerk to the help, too, in which case, why are you reading this blog, because you're too stupid, oops, too stuck in your evil, Joe means, um, Old Fashioned, ways to take the advice anyway, and you deserve all the punishment you're gonna get, too. So there! Sorry. Some crazed bunny of a junior lawyer just rushed in here and put his bunny fingers over Joe's and FORCED Joe to write the most mean things EVER!

That has been happening with WAY too much regularity around here, lately. . . ever since Joe ran out of those cute little pills. Nasty tasting but so cute. And those nice young men in their clean white coats. I miss them. . .they were so nice. And so polite. Always bundling Joe up in a jacket and escorting one everywhere Joe went. . .yeah. . . where were we? Oh yeah. . .lunch.

So, you take the beagle to lunch. . .somewhere busy. Take a bagful of patience with you, as Joe's granny used to say. Joe has no idea what that means, but it seemed soothing then, and it does now. Joe's friend Cuda says you can buy a bagful of patience for fiddy, but Joe thinks that is something else entirely. Now, if Joe were smart, he would take the victim, I mean beagle, to a place he had been many times before, you know Benny's, or National Slop and Ham Steaks, or, you know, something, where he knew the Food Management Service Professionals. They hate to be called Waitresses, Waiters, and, "Miss," particularly when their name is, you know, Steve. Even more so when their name is Bud. Although, if Joe may say so, the last Bud that Joe knew pretty much insisted on being called "miss." But not at work. . . .what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, lunch.

The better you know Bud, the better this'll work out, Joe promises, within reason. If you know Bud TOO well, so much so that you've been calling him Miss when your wife was out of town, you may be meeting with your lawyer much more often, and for entirely different reasons, than we're talking about here. On the other hand, it TOTALLY justifies your eating of more carbs. Like Joe often says, things balance out. Maybe you should sit in Steve's section. Or Lujia's. Yes. Sit with Lujia today. Yes. She is busybusy. Busy is good, as we shall see, heh heh heh (totally unconvincing, Joe knows. . . Joe has no game). Yes!

Tell Lujia that you're testing the beagle. You and she will have played this game many times before, so she will know what to do. And, basically, the game is, "Let's play with the Beagle." As in "Oh my, oh gosh, oh jeez, whatever will I do? I am so so bizzy! Where ever is my head?" and variations on a theme. That's why it's great if you go to a place that's always busy anyway, because it looks totally legit.

Have a whole bunch of things to talk about, and have a legal pad (a LONG FORM legal pad) with MANY totally stupid questions on it, you know, all smudgy, and crunkled and stuff, like you spent OhSo many days trying to develop them. It's also good if you have an "executive team" questionnaire that you "want to go over with you, briefly." Printed on 8 1/2 by 14 paper. Or 11 x 17 if you can get it. Even Better.

(Note: Don't EVER actually use these. These are stupid. If you don't have hiring authority, why are you the MP? Seriously. If you're the MP, and you don't have final hiring authority, quit right now. Either you're in charge or you're not. Here's how to tell. If you don't know, you're not.)

It's VERY helpful to have had a huge double-breakfast before you play this game with the Beagle, and even better if you tell him "don't each much tomorrow morning, because I'm taking you to lunch" because it will make him weak and defenseless, as we've learned from our friends at Gitmo (Back, Evil Bunny!). Just kidding. Joe is PRO torture, I mean, coerced confession, I mean, um. . .Joe means, um. . .encouraged cooperation.

And from here, you know the drill, right? Of COURSE you do. Take forever to get the order taken, take forever to get the food, hopefully, the order is wrong, and then it takes forever to get the FMSP (i.e. SO not-waiter) to get back to you so you can tell it, so it can get it fixed, and reordered, and so on.

And the whole point of all of this nonsense is to find out if the beagle is nice to the help. But it's worth it. And besides, don't even bother trying to lie. Joe KNOWS you've had your eye on Lujia for a while now. Why do you think I sat you in her section? Joe watches out for his MPs. Just keep Bud away from Joe for a while, would ya? He's a little TOO friendly, lately. And Joe isn't so sure about this Steve. Anybody know if this Steve has track lighting? Joe is just asking.

If the lawyer IS nice to the help, or at least understandably frustrated, then it's all to the good. Let Joe explain. Your JoeR is NEVER nice to Food Servers. Your JoeR is nice to Waiters. Joe hates the title Food Server and goes out of his way to torture, I mean, Gitmo, I mean, challenge them, in many divers and interesting ways, as the saying goes. But your JoeR's own very Mama was a Waitress, and Joe, never having quite gotten over the whole Oedipal Complex thang, and being a slow learner, through a process of inverted transference, and a raging case of Herpes [just kidding; Joe was watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off earlier], has managed to convert those positive lovey feelings toward his mama into positive likey feelings toward Waiters.

And that is why JoeR likey Waiters.

Sadly, Food Servers still suck (not in the the good JoeApproved (bing!) way). Foodservers, not as much. Why is a mystery for the ages. Why they suck, Joe means. In the bad way.

But, Joe is ALSO a snob, and a stickler for details, so, even though Joe likey waiters, he also likey good service, and, after all, Joe's own very mama was also a GOOD Waitress, and, after all, a job worth doing, is worth doing on your knees, I mean, well. So, it's okay for the beagle to be a little frustrated. What is NOT okay is for the beagle to be a punk.

It is also okay for the beagle to be a little annoyed when you tell him you took him out for a ride. It is probably not okay for him to beat the hell out of you after you tell him. Funny, yes. Probably not okay. But funny. Yes. Very very funny. Yes.

9. Joe is skipping number eight. No particular reason. Joe just felt like it. Still pissed about the whole branding thing, and taking it out on the system of integers. By the way, shout out to Joe's friend Charlie, who is probably completely surprised to see his name here. Look up, Charlie. Now smile. Charlie has a great smile. If Charlie had some more teeth, Charlie's smile would be even MORE great. Joe dedicates the whole system of integers riff to Charlie who is the only person Joe knows that's actually smart enough to get the joke. When Charlie gets some more teeth, Joe thinks Charlie will get some more, you know. . .MORE! And Charlie will smile even more. Go Charlie!

The link to hiring this lawyer is to decide how this lawyer makes you feel, or, more accurately, ask yourself, how does your GUT feel. Do you like this guy? Do you want to practice with this person? Does this person FEEL like a fit, despite the fact that this "test" is so not licit, ethical, valid, or proper? Ideally, you're making a hiring decision that'll affect a LOT of lives, hopefully for the better, but for a long LONG time in any event. We all know there's no absolutely right decision, but now is the time to listen for what some of the people Joe knows call "the still, small voice." Joe doesn't know what that means, although he has tried to learn, but it sounds really good.

What Joe thinks it means, and what Joe chooses to believe, is that the higher, smarter, wiser, intuitively deeper, most elevated and profound, and evolved part of ourselves is always ready; that is to say, prepared, and willing, to teach us; by which I mean, give us guidance and wisdom; that we've gleaned from all the sources of education, training, and input we've ever been exposed to, when, and if we'll open ourselves up to it.

I wanna be clear, which, for a moment, requires that I be serious. I'm not good at serious; in fact, I hate it. But your job is a big damn deal. Asking someone to join you as a partner is a serious commitment, both for you and them. For you, it's commiting the firm, making a promise that you'll share part of who you are to help them become more than they are, and, in connexion with that, you'll respect the fact that they're willing to join with you and commit their talent and ability, and help the firm become more "tomorrow" than it is today.

But, no matter how big you think the firm's commitment is, it's even MORE of a commitment for a lawyer; it's easy to forget that AFTER the fact. It sounds silly, but it's SO traumatic that, in most cases, it's like what happens after a woman delivers a baby; we tend to forget the intensity of the trauma, and so we minimize it. I can tell you for a fact that, for a partner considering leaving one firm for another, in many cases, it's the most traumatic experience many of them will EVER go through, including Divorce, the dissolution of Partnerships, even the deaths of spouses and/or family members.

So for a Partner considering joining a firm, they have to consider separating themselves from the Corpus of the Firm with whom they've been joined, and joining the corpus of an entirely new, and in many ways different firm. Sure, for some attorneys, maybe a lot of them, hey, no big deal, I can do this all day. . . These guys can probably have a wife, three girlfriends, six mistresses, and, who knows, maybe the Pool Boy, and it won't matter either. But for the stuff that matters, for attorneys for whom this stuff matters, it matters.

And, if it matters to YOU, and it matters to HIM. . .it's a good fit. Hire. Now smile. Yay. You and Charlie. You're like twins, how cool is that?

10. Joe's got nothin'. It's just that everybody does "ten things you MUST know before you get a bikini wax!" Joe wouldn't want you to think you were getting less for your money than you do when you buy Metrosexopolitan Magazine, or whatever. Actually, that's a helluva name for a magazine. Where's that slacker IP lawyer of Joe's? Register that right now! And peel Joe a grape! And schedule Joe a bikini wax!

Damn! Oversharing again!

Love Your Recruiter!



JoeRecruiter

p.s. Bring some TeaTree Lotion. Joe gets a little rashy with the waxing. . . . DAMMIT with the oversharing!

http://joerecruiter.blogspot.com/

Yes!