Tough Love For Associates. About Time Sez JoeR.

Your JoeRecruiter is in a giddyhappy mood. One might ask "Why, JoeRecruiter, are you in such a giddyhappy mood?" and one would have a perfect right to do so. Of course, your JoeRecruiter, being a cranky soul, might ignore the question, as he is wont to do from time to time.

But not this time. Oh, HELL no. In point of fact, your JoeRecruiter is delighted, nay, frankly thrill-ed to be able to answer this particular question. In a minute.

But first, your JoeR has to tell you about ShuShu Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. Your JoeR had to quickly verify the correct spelling in his combination Ig-Pay Atin-Lay Ictionary-Day and Hawaiian Cookbook, Illustrated-Day (thank Od-Gay, Oh-Jay was Orrect-Kay, as Ew-zuwal-day, aturally-day).

But here's the thing about ShuShu HumuHu (for short, and you can ANK-bay at-thay). ShuShu is a HO. Sorry. An Oh-Hay. Not in a bad way. Not that it matters, or anything. Far be it from your JoeR to criticise anybody for their stuff, right? Your JoeR isn't a saint, after all. Just ask Junior Partner. She has PLENTY to say about your JoeRecruiter, let Joe tell you. But ShuShu . . .well, ShuShu is a little frisky. And he's playing it fast and loose, if you take Joe's meaning. Very fast. And VERY loose. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But, you know, once bitten. . .and somebody, sometime, is gonna see the marks. And then where will you be? Joe knows! Junior Partner wouldn't talk to Joe for WEEKS! What can Joe say? Joe heals slowly.

Which brings us to this Associate thing. Miz Flouncy McGriddle, herself an apparently highly qualified and knowledgable consultant type, just informed your JoeR, and apparently the whole legal community that [prepare to gasp!] by their fifth year in the profession, {Note: Joe thought it was a brother/sisterhood, and is trying to digest this}, upwards of 80% of the novitiates {see!} wander off to find something else to do [gasp!]. Joe knows!

Miz McGriddle says that this comes as a surprise to no one. Well, with all due respect to Miz McGriddle, it shocked the hell outta your JoeR. Okay, maybe that's a little strong. How 'bout "nonplussed." Fine, Joe doesn't know what that means. "Bemused." Nope, don't know what that means, too. "Flummoxed?" Still nothin'. Abashed? Twitterpated? Pole-axed? Discombobulated? What about bifurcated? Joe just tossed that in. How about defenestrated? It doesn't have anything to do with anything, either, but Joe has ALWAYS dug that word.

The Griddler (Joe's new term for Miz McGriddle) even points out the lack of work-life balance as a problem. Joe thinks this is a load of, Joe means, an interesting thing to say, given that anyone as smart as a potential lawyer OUGHT to know what they're getting themselves into, one would think, sometime before they actually commit to going to law school. I mean, seriously, you have stratospheric IQs, there are 426 shows about Lawyers on TV, and it never even ONCE crossed your mind that you might have to work more than a 40-hour week in order to earn more in a month than your parents earned in a freakin' year?

Honestly, just how stupid ARE you? For frick's sake! Did you really, truly think they were gonna hand you $160,000.00 just because they thought the way you chugged that beer bong was somehow so much better than the way all those other 3Ls BEFORE you chugged beer bongs? Give Joe a break! In fact, give us ALL a break, and apply to an accounting program, please, before it's too late. But let's move on, before Joe has a fit of apoplexy and dies before he finishes gouging out what little soul you have left.

The Griddler, bless her, has some neato!, super!, fabu! steps firms can take to rev up their Associate retention. That is SO great! Let's look at them. They're super fabulously cool, and neat, and super, and great! And marvy!, and groovy! And Marvy! And some junk! And just the BEST! EVER! Wow! Joe is SO EXCITED! For REALS! Here we go! Don't hurt yourself! I MEAN it! Really! Joe means it! REALLY! Ready? Okay! Okay. Wait. Okay. Hold on. Okay, wait.

Okay, first. Joe doesn't know what this means. Grid sez firms should broaden their efforts beyond those regarded as, um, "keepers." But she also says attrition is good. Joe sez, "Ow. My head hurts." Besides, it seems that this is sort of addressed below (see below).

Okay, second. Okay. Second, La Gridde says that firms should get down with their alumni networks. Joe totally agrees. But firms already do this. And she says also that they should pay for outplacement services for attorneys who end up not being such a good fit, and also that they should provide a professional career consultant for every attorney. Sounds good, but Joe is wondering about something. First of all, right on with the whole outplacement thing, but didn't Joe already address this whole issue in our last episode? Yes, Joe in fact already addressed this issue in our last episode.

But second, and almost as important, it seems to Joe that the whole idea of providing career consultants would probably be a monumental waste of cash because presumably these able, gifted, and otherwise intelligent attorneys have probably had many, MANY chances to be career consulted before this stage in their lives, , and clearly, it didn't take. It seems to Joe that there's no benefit to be accrued by continuing to throw good money after bad.

As Joe's Wise Old Uncle, Scooter, used to say, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. He used to also say some garbage about catching more flies with honey, but that's gross and Joe doesn't wanna talk about that right now.

But wait! There's more! Gridella de Ville suggests that firms find other roles in the firm. Joe wondered, as he was reading, what other roles there could be, but Miz McGriddle was prepared for that question. She is so on her game, you would not believe it. These other roles are, like, non-equity partner; director of recruiting (I guess Joe can kiss that dream job goodbye, snif); director of professional dvelopment; director of marketing; and director of pro bono work. Hot Zing! The Griddler is a Pluperfect Genius! No foolin'. The scales have fallen from mine eyes. I guess director of snotty and irony laden external publications was all full up. Pity.

All great people have a lackey, I guess, and Miz McGriddle apparently has one too. Joe is guessing. Because, in a lob deep from center field comes a quote from Binstock, who, Joe is guessing, is the Igor to the Griddler's Baron von FronkenSteen (Joe kids, a little. Actually, Binstock is the lovely and talented Dan Binstock with BCG Attorney Search, who's been like a daughter, no, niece, no, cub scout, no, iguana, no, whippoorwill, YES! to JoeR).

Anyways, in an earth-shattering reveal, Binstock (how funny would it be if his name was actually Igor, though?), anyway, Binstock reveals, for THE FIRST TIME EVER, that a book of business often reigns supreme (so take THAT, Mary Wilson!), and that a beagle's primary loyalty seems to be to their own career, and NOT to a particular career (just in case anyone was confused). Joe, for one, was absolutely hoist on his own petard. Which is, frankly, saying something. Because, prior to today, Joe didn't even know he HAD a petard. Fortunately, it's much prettier than you might otherwise think.

Imagine. . .a book of business often reigns supreme. Thanks for that Binstock. You and Grid. . .the cutting edge of beagle-istic thought.

Anyway, the upshot of all of this forward thinking is that the more, that is to say the most forward-thinking of the forward-thinking firms are providing business development training to all of their associates, and let me quote this, becuz it's cool, "as a way of preparing the keepers for partnership and encouraging all associates to practice fundamentals like client service, relationship-building and networking." They don't tell us what's going to happen to the non-keepers. But, I guess, since they're broadening the scope on "keepers" pretty soon everyone will be a keeper. Which, presumably, will kill the whole "attrition good" theory. Which will mean, eventually, "attrition bad." Which will mean, eventually "keepers bad." Which will, presumably mean "attrition good" once again. See, things balance out.

Finally, Miz McGriddle suggests that firm offer management training to partners and senior associates, presumably to keep them from getting Agita. Or verklempt. Or both. Depends on the day. And what you had for lunch, sometimes. And sometimes, what your JoeR had for lunch.

Honestly, the idea of providing Management Training to partners and senior associates is not a bad idea. But WHO is going to provide the training? And, more importantly, will they listen? Lawyers come out of school, for the most part, without even a speck of management training, one would think they'd already know this, and either go back for some, or take advantage of the opportunity to get some. But in virtually every case, lawyers who don't already have a management background never submit themselves for any additional training.

But, let's be fair. . .nobody wants to go back for much more of anything, if they don't have to. Why, your own very JoeR took about as much Frab as he ever intends to take in FrabJabuLab School. Naturally, all of us get our Ploids and Noids recertified every two years, as, of course, you would, but, outside of that, why bother?

As usual, there's nothing new under this sun. But, we can only hope that, like Superman, perhaps, another day, another sun will shine brightly in the (Joe can never remember. . .) Western (?) sky, when, presumably, The Griddler's amazing powers will, at that point, be relevant.

Until then, remember,


Love Your Recruiter!



JoeRecruiter



http://joerecruiter.blogspot.com/



p.s. I wish I was in Tijuana, eatin' barbecued iguana (name it).