So, the discussion of Compensation Systems has once again reared up its uckin' fugly head, and, naturally, your big JoeRecruiter has to take a mean swipe at it. . .after all, it's kinda like Joe's Job. To punish the stupid. To poke at the ridiculous. And to take a big swipe at the Uckin' Fugly. What? Joe bitter? Perish the thought.
But stick with Joe for just one damn minute, Admiral, and let me explain myself. I won't mention names here, mostly because I don't have to. These persons, and I say that with reservations, these persons are already widely known, and so are their views, but let me just say that their philosophies are ALSO widely known, at least in some cases. Let me also say that their logic, while weak, and uninformed, is ALSO widely known. But a lot of what they're talking about they think only applies to Partner Compensation, as if ALL comp is NOT comp, but instead SOME comp is comp and some comp is NOT comp, which is not only stupid, but both stupid and untrue.
All compensation decisions, at the end of the day, affect the economic picture of the law firm at base, so, whether you pretend to yourself that there are two pots of money, one called Partner Money, and one called Associate Money; or three pots, Partner, Associate, and Other; or seven pots, Associate, Partner, Other, Mother, Snow White, Muffin, and Naughty Nurses, or whatever dumb ass scheme you've cooked up in your head, the truth of the matter is that, at the end of the day, or, at the very least, at the end of the money cycle, all of the money from whatever sources gets POURED into one very large pot, no matter how you track it, and it all gets divided up and split up according to whatever hare-brained scheme you've come up with.
Now, I get that certain individuals think, wrongly, that keeping all these numbers secret SEEMS like a good idea. Certain of these individuals, I suspect, care a helluva lot less about "preserving fairness" as they claim, than trying to make damn sure that nobody else finds out how much money they themselves are pulling down. But here's the thing. There's an old saying that a secret between three people is only a secret if two of them are dead, and I believe that to be true. I also believe that certain of these people would love to be able to arrange for the other two to be dead if it were within their power, but sadly, at least, most of the time, it is not.
The point, and your JoeR has one, is that, in virtually any case, it's going to be nigh on impossible to keep salary information secret. Oh, sure, you can try. You can try to keep your fifteen-year-old a virgin until she marries at the ripe old age of 25 too. Good luck with that. That's why, no matter what justification you use, no matter how GOOD it sounds, it's just, (how can Joe say this? Ah, yes . . .) never, never, frickin', ever gonna happen. Even if your name is Francisco de la Garza de la Chiquito de la Moros, or whatever the hell it is, and you are the Chairman with all power of the Largest BigLaw Of All, making pronouncements from on high. You know what, Jack? Save it.
You can pronounce until you're blue in the face, but internal power trumps pronouncements from on high, and you can't replace that with stock options, little man, so shut the hell up. The comp people, Legal Assistants, Secretaries, and others who actually do the work of law firms have information to trade, and until you can find them another, better substitute, or get them laid FAR more often than they do, you got nothin' to say. [For the record, Joe made the whole thing up. . .the actual law firm Joe is picking on is not the biggest law firm ever, but Joe wanted to make a point. . .geddit?]
The only solution. . .let me repeat that, for the hard of thinking. . . the only solution is to have an open, that is an open compensation system. Put it all out there. Hell, if it were me (and by the way, at one point, it was me, so I'm speaking from experience, thank you very much), I'd post the matrix, the rules, the guidelines, everything, in the damn cafeteria/breakroom, bathroom, whatever, so that everyone is on the same page, and everyone knows, to the dollar, what everyone else makes.
I know that about half of you are cringing, sinking back into your Herman Miller chairs, thinking to yourselves "I can't do that. . .they'll, they'll kill me!" And maybe they will. But only if your comp plan is uckfayed upyay. If it's fair. . .if it's really and truly fair, then you've nothing to worry about. Lawyers are jerks, and prima donnas, and sometimes not very nice, and they're even greedy, but, in the main, they are fair. Mostly. Usually. Okay. Sometimes.
But you don't have to care about that. You can BE fair, and, you know, screw them. They can be not fair on their own time. . .not your problem. And if that means you have to change your comp plan, then change the damn thing. I swear, it's not very complicated. And if they stamp they tiny feets and fuss and cuss, let 'em. Even the best lawyers can't leave overnight, and if their comp is so good that they don't want anyone else to know about it, it's too good to leave over.
And if they do want to leave, well, that's just damn good news for JoeR anyway, in two directions. And damn good news for the firm, too. It means you just lost a wimp-ass lawyer, and you can find someone with actual cojones. YAY! Everybody wins.
Post the information, and let the chips fall where they fall. It's a lot less hassle. You don't have to remember to lie to anybody. It weakens the Vulcan Death Grip that the Non-Lawyer Staff has on information flow in the firm, and it makes every single operation in the firm more transparent, believe it or don't. Now, for a while, the firm MP, Chair, or Busta Move Head Person will have to endure his/her share of screaming phone calls, that IS true.
Here is your Uncle Joe's Guaranteed Never-Fail Screaming Telephone Call Response (mostly to wives, but also to boyfriends/bitchy "partners"): "LulaBelle (or Name), you're right. Stan [not his real name] DOES make more than Jed [also not his real name]. But I'll make you a promise. As soon as Jed works as many hours, as hard, and as well, as Stan; does his job as well; and makes as few excuses as to why his work product isn't as good as Stan's, I'll put my enormous ass on the line to get Jed as much money as I'm paying Stan, maybe even more. And I'll tell you something else, darlin'. It might pay for you to use that lung power of yours on HIS ears as opposed to mine, because right now, you're screaming up the wrong tailpipe, if you take my meaning."
Yes, it's tasteless. Rude. Totally illegal in 55 of the 50 states (Joe is counting Texas, all of them). But it'll shut her the hell up. And that is what we want. And it'll focus her considerable powers on him. It's almost always a him. Husbands of Female attorneys don't seem to have these problems.
Let us recap, Joe and you. Closed comp systems, Bad. Open Comp systems, Good. Painful, but good. Joe means, Good. Screaming spouses, Bad. But funny. Spouses screaming at their lawyer lesser half. Good. And VERY funny.
Class Dismissed.
Love Your Recruiter!!!
Don't forget the lubricant.
JoeRecruiter.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Suck It. Imperative, Declarative, or Interrogatory? Discuss.
First of all, let's establish some ground rules. I won't be talking in third person much today. Takes too much time, and I ain't got that kind of time. Also, I'm bitter. How bitter you ask? Well, let me see. Double Asparagus, no celery for two weeks bitter, and musty bitter at that.
With respect to the typeface, let's just say that this decision was imposed on me by the good people at Blogspot. Thank you, good people at blogspot. Let's also remind ourselves that it is JUST past the SECOND anniversary of the first request for an internal spell-checker for postings for our blogs. In fairness, Joe was NOT the first to request a spell-checker, oh MY no.
So, why the bitterness? You are all, of course, familiar with the expression, evil and sexist tho it may be "Bros before, um, something something-O-S", right? For those of you pretending to be dumb, it means that your friend doesn't, um, "sock"-block you if you're out and you find you like someone and you decide to make a run for them, even if your friend ALSO thinks they're cute. You get first dibs.
AFTER you crash and burn, IF you're not too traumatized, and especially IF you decide you were too good for them, THEN your friend MAY ask for permission to approach. OF course, this only counts if your friend is NOT your wing-man. For the record, even if your friend is a girl, and she decides to go for the cutie, because that's the reason she rejected you [you should be so lucky], she is still referred to as a "wing-man" if that's what she was being when you went out. There is NO such thing as "wing-woman", just like there's no such thing as"dudette."
Anyway, Joe's friend broke the no approach rule, and Joe really REALLY dug the hottie. So Joe told the friend (who was NOT being a wing-man, but STILL) "we're done." And then silence ensued for many days, and Joe avoided all their places, and phone calls, and whatnot. Finally, just hours ago, ex-friend managed to trap Joe at a locale, and said "hey aren't you going to say anything to me?" and Joe, obligingly said, "Yeah. . . . suck it!", and that's how we ended up with the theme for this installment of the blog. Yay! Thank You ex-friend. For the record, I decided I'm too good for the cutie, anyway. I hope it was worth it.
Oddly enough, I didn't decide to relate this jumbled tale of pathos to you either to elicit sympathy or or to share with you my messed up life, but rather, I thought it sort of neatly paralleled the big hoo-hah with Associate Pay, Partner shifts, jealousy among the Mid-Associate ranks over associate pay hikes, and various and sundry other issues.
Let me see if I can make sense of this for you. Okay. I can't. No one can. It's a mess. No one can make sense of this for you. Because it's freakin' stupid. But I'll try to clear at least some of it up.
First of all, the Associate Pay Hikes fiasco. Everybody has talked about this. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is listening. The firms know it's a game. Recruiters know it's a game. The Law Schools know it's a game. Even newly-minted and freshly scrubbed Associates know it's a game. So why do they do it? Because, everybody's trapped inside a feedback loop that they can't get out of. How can I explain this? I got it.
Remember the closing credits of the Jetsons when George goes out to walk Astro? Right. After Astro starts chasing that stupid cat and jumps OFF the treadmill, George is trapped on it, and can't get off, and it sucks him down under and around and around and around and around, and he yells for Jane to come and "stop this crazy thing!"? The Associate Pay Hike Game is George Jetson on the freakin' treadmill. Sadly firm MPs are either too unaware (not very bloody likely) or too proud (Mos' Def) to call for Jane to come help them, and stop this ccrazy thing.
For their part, the Associates rock it, because there's nothing that's better for a baby-lawyer than telling a potential conquest how much he makes, unless it's Ro-Hypnol, and that crap's not as easy to get as it once was, and, even when you have it, people are MUCH less trusting than they once were. . .these days, they take their drinks WITH them when they go potty. . . .or so Joe's heard.
Of course, Mid-level Associates, especially junior middles (the very WORST associates, the associates EVERYONE loves to hate, including clients, partners, MPs, recruiters, small children, and their pets, and most other forms of sentient life, including OTHER Mids), are LOVING this, because they see it as THEIR Ticket to Ride [the asses of partners, HR, EDs, their Mentors, and everybody else they haven't annoyed, tormented, or alienated . . . .yet). Granted, that's an excruciatingly small percentage of the population of the known universe, but they don't muchly care. . .a Mid's job is to torture, the same way a Mongoose's job is to attack a Cobra, and my Ex's job was to suck out my soul.
So now, there's another arrow in their liverish quiver. . .one more whine to gratingly apply to the ears of their friends, colleagues, and superiors. . .(imagine a scratchy tin horn playing in the background while one of Satan's minions plays a badly tuned violin and the evil Mid scratches his yellowish and perversely thick nails on a blackboard, while delivering this speech:)
"Since the new Associates are getting raises, and they haven't even DONE anything to deserve a raise, and since WE are the ones who do the all the work around here, don't you think it's appropriate to ask foR consideration for at least a SMALL increase in compensation during the next salary review period? After all, WE are the ones who train the new people, take on the majority of complex work that has to be done, and deal with the Senior staff as well. I mean, we do a LOT!" And so on and so FORTH. WHINE WHINE WHINE!!!!
Okay, that's all true, sort of. And yet, NOBODY CARES. Nobody. See what happens when even a Brown Recluse says to himself "Self, just walk away. You don't want any part of this. It's a MIDDY. You bite this guy, he'll poison YOU." Fortunately for them, most Mids work through this stage of their lives and become Seniors (for those not quite WITH the program, what I mean is Senior Associates, who are actually almost human, insofar as an Attorney CAN be considered a human, and I won't get into the discussion as to whether or not a lawyer IS considered to be still Human. Me, I vote yes, but then, I'm a legal recruiter. . .what the hell do I know?). Seniors are great. Almost Partners, absolutely not Mids. And they know more than newby Associates. If they were food (and for most BigLaws, they are) they would be a tasty snack.
Some out there in the quasi-real world have foolishly attributed the "jealousy" over beginning pay hikes to Seniors. Wrong. Mayhaps a few Mid-to-Seniors are unhappy. There are dummies in EVERY profession, we all know that. But, the truth of the matter is that the overwhelming percentage of the kvetching has come from the Mids. Even if I liked them, I'd still have to admit to this, and so would they.
In a few markets, it's true that Senior pay hasn't kept up, and it's ALSO true that SOME Seniors at SOME firms have been getting reamed for years on bonuses, but we ALL know who these people are, and we all know who these firms are, and if you're stupid enough to work for a firm like this, you get what you deserve.
Let me also say that these firms ALSO know who THEY are, and Lawyers are abandoning them like rats from a burning Spanish Galleon, as well they should, and if YOU are a law firm that knows WHY good lawyers are leaving you, and you don't have the sense to fix the problem, then you don't get to complain about it.
Joe hears this all the time. Joe READS about it all the time. And so does everybody else. Complain, complain, complain. Gripe, gripe, gripe. Moan, moan, moan. You know what? Shut the hell up! I mean it. I'm dead serious. You guys know what the problem is. You caused it. It's YOUR freakin' fault. You don't want to change anything, then DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING. But stop WHINING about what's wrong . Especially stop acting like a poor innocent VICTIM for pete's sake. Like you were just STANDING there, and then all this terrible stuff just sort of HAPPENED to you.
I swear, if I read ONE MORE ARTICLE about how Law Firms can't get attorneys to stay, how quality suffers, how there's no continuity, and how clients are beginning to feel abandoned, I may just climb to the top of the tallest tower in my home town, strip down to my jammies, and start shooting spitwads at passers-by. It's been a while, but I was pretty good there for a while with my wrist-rocket, and I don't care WHAT you say. . .paper is environmentally friendly.
So, class, what have we learned? Well, we've learned that Mids are ev. . .I mean, that Mids have a way to go. Partners rock. Law Firms are mostly victims of the problems that they cause themselves, and that spitwads are environmentally friendly. It has been a rich, and a full day.
Oh, and we learned about wing-men. Teach your wing-man. Make sure she has your back.
Love Your Recruiter!!
JoeRecruiter
With respect to the typeface, let's just say that this decision was imposed on me by the good people at Blogspot. Thank you, good people at blogspot. Let's also remind ourselves that it is JUST past the SECOND anniversary of the first request for an internal spell-checker for postings for our blogs. In fairness, Joe was NOT the first to request a spell-checker, oh MY no.
So, why the bitterness? You are all, of course, familiar with the expression, evil and sexist tho it may be "Bros before, um, something something-O-S", right? For those of you pretending to be dumb, it means that your friend doesn't, um, "sock"-block you if you're out and you find you like someone and you decide to make a run for them, even if your friend ALSO thinks they're cute. You get first dibs.
AFTER you crash and burn, IF you're not too traumatized, and especially IF you decide you were too good for them, THEN your friend MAY ask for permission to approach. OF course, this only counts if your friend is NOT your wing-man. For the record, even if your friend is a girl, and she decides to go for the cutie, because that's the reason she rejected you [you should be so lucky], she is still referred to as a "wing-man" if that's what she was being when you went out. There is NO such thing as "wing-woman", just like there's no such thing as"dudette."
Anyway, Joe's friend broke the no approach rule, and Joe really REALLY dug the hottie. So Joe told the friend (who was NOT being a wing-man, but STILL) "we're done." And then silence ensued for many days, and Joe avoided all their places, and phone calls, and whatnot. Finally, just hours ago, ex-friend managed to trap Joe at a locale, and said "hey aren't you going to say anything to me?" and Joe, obligingly said, "Yeah. . . . suck it!", and that's how we ended up with the theme for this installment of the blog. Yay! Thank You ex-friend. For the record, I decided I'm too good for the cutie, anyway. I hope it was worth it.
Oddly enough, I didn't decide to relate this jumbled tale of pathos to you either to elicit sympathy or or to share with you my messed up life, but rather, I thought it sort of neatly paralleled the big hoo-hah with Associate Pay, Partner shifts, jealousy among the Mid-Associate ranks over associate pay hikes, and various and sundry other issues.
Let me see if I can make sense of this for you. Okay. I can't. No one can. It's a mess. No one can make sense of this for you. Because it's freakin' stupid. But I'll try to clear at least some of it up.
First of all, the Associate Pay Hikes fiasco. Everybody has talked about this. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is listening. The firms know it's a game. Recruiters know it's a game. The Law Schools know it's a game. Even newly-minted and freshly scrubbed Associates know it's a game. So why do they do it? Because, everybody's trapped inside a feedback loop that they can't get out of. How can I explain this? I got it.
Remember the closing credits of the Jetsons when George goes out to walk Astro? Right. After Astro starts chasing that stupid cat and jumps OFF the treadmill, George is trapped on it, and can't get off, and it sucks him down under and around and around and around and around, and he yells for Jane to come and "stop this crazy thing!"? The Associate Pay Hike Game is George Jetson on the freakin' treadmill. Sadly firm MPs are either too unaware (not very bloody likely) or too proud (Mos' Def) to call for Jane to come help them, and stop this ccrazy thing.
For their part, the Associates rock it, because there's nothing that's better for a baby-lawyer than telling a potential conquest how much he makes, unless it's Ro-Hypnol, and that crap's not as easy to get as it once was, and, even when you have it, people are MUCH less trusting than they once were. . .these days, they take their drinks WITH them when they go potty. . . .or so Joe's heard.
Of course, Mid-level Associates, especially junior middles (the very WORST associates, the associates EVERYONE loves to hate, including clients, partners, MPs, recruiters, small children, and their pets, and most other forms of sentient life, including OTHER Mids), are LOVING this, because they see it as THEIR Ticket to Ride [the asses of partners, HR, EDs, their Mentors, and everybody else they haven't annoyed, tormented, or alienated . . . .yet). Granted, that's an excruciatingly small percentage of the population of the known universe, but they don't muchly care. . .a Mid's job is to torture, the same way a Mongoose's job is to attack a Cobra, and my Ex's job was to suck out my soul.
So now, there's another arrow in their liverish quiver. . .one more whine to gratingly apply to the ears of their friends, colleagues, and superiors. . .(imagine a scratchy tin horn playing in the background while one of Satan's minions plays a badly tuned violin and the evil Mid scratches his yellowish and perversely thick nails on a blackboard, while delivering this speech:)
"Since the new Associates are getting raises, and they haven't even DONE anything to deserve a raise, and since WE are the ones who do the all the work around here, don't you think it's appropriate to ask foR consideration for at least a SMALL increase in compensation during the next salary review period? After all, WE are the ones who train the new people, take on the majority of complex work that has to be done, and deal with the Senior staff as well. I mean, we do a LOT!" And so on and so FORTH. WHINE WHINE WHINE!!!!
Okay, that's all true, sort of. And yet, NOBODY CARES. Nobody. See what happens when even a Brown Recluse says to himself "Self, just walk away. You don't want any part of this. It's a MIDDY. You bite this guy, he'll poison YOU." Fortunately for them, most Mids work through this stage of their lives and become Seniors (for those not quite WITH the program, what I mean is Senior Associates, who are actually almost human, insofar as an Attorney CAN be considered a human, and I won't get into the discussion as to whether or not a lawyer IS considered to be still Human. Me, I vote yes, but then, I'm a legal recruiter. . .what the hell do I know?). Seniors are great. Almost Partners, absolutely not Mids. And they know more than newby Associates. If they were food (and for most BigLaws, they are) they would be a tasty snack.
Some out there in the quasi-real world have foolishly attributed the "jealousy" over beginning pay hikes to Seniors. Wrong. Mayhaps a few Mid-to-Seniors are unhappy. There are dummies in EVERY profession, we all know that. But, the truth of the matter is that the overwhelming percentage of the kvetching has come from the Mids. Even if I liked them, I'd still have to admit to this, and so would they.
In a few markets, it's true that Senior pay hasn't kept up, and it's ALSO true that SOME Seniors at SOME firms have been getting reamed for years on bonuses, but we ALL know who these people are, and we all know who these firms are, and if you're stupid enough to work for a firm like this, you get what you deserve.
Let me also say that these firms ALSO know who THEY are, and Lawyers are abandoning them like rats from a burning Spanish Galleon, as well they should, and if YOU are a law firm that knows WHY good lawyers are leaving you, and you don't have the sense to fix the problem, then you don't get to complain about it.
Joe hears this all the time. Joe READS about it all the time. And so does everybody else. Complain, complain, complain. Gripe, gripe, gripe. Moan, moan, moan. You know what? Shut the hell up! I mean it. I'm dead serious. You guys know what the problem is. You caused it. It's YOUR freakin' fault. You don't want to change anything, then DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING. But stop WHINING about what's wrong . Especially stop acting like a poor innocent VICTIM for pete's sake. Like you were just STANDING there, and then all this terrible stuff just sort of HAPPENED to you.
I swear, if I read ONE MORE ARTICLE about how Law Firms can't get attorneys to stay, how quality suffers, how there's no continuity, and how clients are beginning to feel abandoned, I may just climb to the top of the tallest tower in my home town, strip down to my jammies, and start shooting spitwads at passers-by. It's been a while, but I was pretty good there for a while with my wrist-rocket, and I don't care WHAT you say. . .paper is environmentally friendly.
So, class, what have we learned? Well, we've learned that Mids are ev. . .I mean, that Mids have a way to go. Partners rock. Law Firms are mostly victims of the problems that they cause themselves, and that spitwads are environmentally friendly. It has been a rich, and a full day.
Oh, and we learned about wing-men. Teach your wing-man. Make sure she has your back.
Love Your Recruiter!!
JoeRecruiter
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