Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Open or Closed-Why Comp Systems Are Like Your Fly

So, the discussion of Compensation Systems has once again reared up its uckin' fugly head, and, naturally, your big JoeRecruiter has to take a mean swipe at it. . .after all, it's kinda like Joe's Job. To punish the stupid. To poke at the ridiculous. And to take a big swipe at the Uckin' Fugly. What? Joe bitter? Perish the thought.

But stick with Joe for just one damn minute, Admiral, and let me explain myself. I won't mention names here, mostly because I don't have to. These persons, and I say that with reservations, these persons are already widely known, and so are their views, but let me just say that their philosophies are ALSO widely known, at least in some cases. Let me also say that their logic, while weak, and uninformed, is ALSO widely known. But a lot of what they're talking about they think only applies to Partner Compensation, as if ALL comp is NOT comp, but instead SOME comp is comp and some comp is NOT comp, which is not only stupid, but both stupid and untrue.

All compensation decisions, at the end of the day, affect the economic picture of the law firm at base, so, whether you pretend to yourself that there are two pots of money, one called Partner Money, and one called Associate Money; or three pots, Partner, Associate, and Other; or seven pots, Associate, Partner, Other, Mother, Snow White, Muffin, and Naughty Nurses, or whatever dumb ass scheme you've cooked up in your head, the truth of the matter is that, at the end of the day, or, at the very least, at the end of the money cycle, all of the money from whatever sources gets POURED into one very large pot, no matter how you track it, and it all gets divided up and split up according to whatever hare-brained scheme you've come up with.

Now, I get that certain individuals think, wrongly, that keeping all these numbers secret SEEMS like a good idea. Certain of these individuals, I suspect, care a helluva lot less about "preserving fairness" as they claim, than trying to make damn sure that nobody else finds out how much money they themselves are pulling down. But here's the thing. There's an old saying that a secret between three people is only a secret if two of them are dead, and I believe that to be true. I also believe that certain of these people would love to be able to arrange for the other two to be dead if it were within their power, but sadly, at least, most of the time, it is not.

The point, and your JoeR has one, is that, in virtually any case, it's going to be nigh on impossible to keep salary information secret. Oh, sure, you can try. You can try to keep your fifteen-year-old a virgin until she marries at the ripe old age of 25 too. Good luck with that. That's why, no matter what justification you use, no matter how GOOD it sounds, it's just, (how can Joe say this? Ah, yes . . .) never, never, frickin', ever gonna happen. Even if your name is Francisco de la Garza de la Chiquito de la Moros, or whatever the hell it is, and you are the Chairman with all power of the Largest BigLaw Of All, making pronouncements from on high. You know what, Jack? Save it.

You can pronounce until you're blue in the face, but internal power trumps pronouncements from on high, and you can't replace that with stock options, little man, so shut the hell up. The comp people, Legal Assistants, Secretaries, and others who actually do the work of law firms have information to trade, and until you can find them another, better substitute, or get them laid FAR more often than they do, you got nothin' to say. [For the record, Joe made the whole thing up. . .the actual law firm Joe is picking on is not the biggest law firm ever, but Joe wanted to make a point. . .geddit?]

The only solution. . .let me repeat that, for the hard of thinking. . . the only solution is to have an open, that is an open compensation system. Put it all out there. Hell, if it were me (and by the way, at one point, it was me, so I'm speaking from experience, thank you very much), I'd post the matrix, the rules, the guidelines, everything, in the damn cafeteria/breakroom, bathroom, whatever, so that everyone is on the same page, and everyone knows, to the dollar, what everyone else makes.

I know that about half of you are cringing, sinking back into your Herman Miller chairs, thinking to yourselves "I can't do that. . .they'll, they'll kill me!" And maybe they will. But only if your comp plan is uckfayed upyay. If it's fair. . .if it's really and truly fair, then you've nothing to worry about. Lawyers are jerks, and prima donnas, and sometimes not very nice, and they're even greedy, but, in the main, they are fair. Mostly. Usually. Okay. Sometimes.

But you don't have to care about that. You can BE fair, and, you know, screw them. They can be not fair on their own time. . .not your problem. And if that means you have to change your comp plan, then change the damn thing. I swear, it's not very complicated. And if they stamp they tiny feets and fuss and cuss, let 'em. Even the best lawyers can't leave overnight, and if their comp is so good that they don't want anyone else to know about it, it's too good to leave over.

And if they do want to leave, well, that's just damn good news for JoeR anyway, in two directions. And damn good news for the firm, too. It means you just lost a wimp-ass lawyer, and you can find someone with actual cojones. YAY! Everybody wins.

Post the information, and let the chips fall where they fall. It's a lot less hassle. You don't have to remember to lie to anybody. It weakens the Vulcan Death Grip that the Non-Lawyer Staff has on information flow in the firm, and it makes every single operation in the firm more transparent, believe it or don't. Now, for a while, the firm MP, Chair, or Busta Move Head Person will have to endure his/her share of screaming phone calls, that IS true.

Here is your Uncle Joe's Guaranteed Never-Fail Screaming Telephone Call Response (mostly to wives, but also to boyfriends/bitchy "partners"): "LulaBelle (or Name), you're right. Stan [not his real name] DOES make more than Jed [also not his real name]. But I'll make you a promise. As soon as Jed works as many hours, as hard, and as well, as Stan; does his job as well; and makes as few excuses as to why his work product isn't as good as Stan's, I'll put my enormous ass on the line to get Jed as much money as I'm paying Stan, maybe even more. And I'll tell you something else, darlin'. It might pay for you to use that lung power of yours on HIS ears as opposed to mine, because right now, you're screaming up the wrong tailpipe, if you take my meaning."

Yes, it's tasteless. Rude. Totally illegal in 55 of the 50 states (Joe is counting Texas, all of them). But it'll shut her the hell up. And that is what we want. And it'll focus her considerable powers on him. It's almost always a him. Husbands of Female attorneys don't seem to have these problems.

Let us recap, Joe and you. Closed comp systems, Bad. Open Comp systems, Good. Painful, but good. Joe means, Good. Screaming spouses, Bad. But funny. Spouses screaming at their lawyer lesser half. Good. And VERY funny.

Class Dismissed.



Love Your Recruiter!!!

Don't forget the lubricant.



JoeRecruiter.

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