The Changes, They Are All Timin'. Bill This!

So, there Joe was, suckin' down some luscious liquid protein (not as luscious as some of y'all might be thinking, but Joe appreciates the thought nevertheless), and catching up on the events of the day, legally speaking, when, like a "thwack" from a well-aimed belt, something hit him, right on his rock-hard butt-cheek (nummy cake, in the latest parlance, for those of you trying to keep up).

Joe kids. No, this one hit him right square between his perfectly formed eyebrows (which saves a total FORTUNE on waxing, let Joe tell YOU!).

Between Joe and you, and Joe wouldn't share this with just anybody, it seems that Managing Partners are all aflutter about the fallout from the trend toward going public. Okay, maybe not all aflutter. Twitterpated? Aghast? Stultified? Hey, Joe is WORKING here.

Okay, let Joe break it down for ya fellas (disclaimer: In this context, "fellas" means "y'all" but it wouldn't be nearly as lyrical to say "break it down for me ladies and gentlemen" as it is to say "break it down for me fellas," get it? Stupid PC, anyway. . . .you DO know that PC originally meant that which it was okay to say in Stalin's Cabinet without getting your head blown off, right? Joe's just saying.)

Ahhhhhhh, the wonders of the Benzodiazepines, those workhorses of the centrally-acting neuroleptic agents (Joe just made that up. Joe wouldn't know a neuroleptic agent if it walked up and bit him on the snout, but it SOUNDS good, don't it? What, by the way, IS a neuroleptic agent?).

Anyway, put aside the fact that most Managing Partners couldn't manage their way through a bowl of Oatmeal, and, like Military Intelligence, the title is, usually, Oxymoronic at best. What gets Joe right in the shorties is the fact that, apparently, a group of the self-anointed (we'll talk later about anointing yourself, during the "adult" section of the discussion) have decided that this is a "BAD" thing. "What about The Law," they decry! "What about The Clients!" they wail! Some brave souls say "Uh, what about my frickin' retirement, huh? What about that there?" Finally, an MP with, uh, "sisu" (ask a Japanese friend about sisu). You so rarely see it these days.

It's as refreshing to Joe as a cold Sciroccan wind wailing across the Schwartzwald, with a vengeance (another totally inside reference, but if you guess it, Joe will be well pleased). The truth is, these changes will force MPs to be more responsive to the needs of clients, and to the other, (dare Joe say it? Yes!), Stakeholders in the organisation, like real live Partners (those who work for a living), and Associates, and whatnot.

Now, don't misunderstand. Joe feels like this is a nexus. That y'all is about to fall up into. Joe doesn't know what a nexus is. But he wouldn't want to step in one. The dictionary says it's the "means of connection," but also that it's a link or a tie. But it's also the past participle of the Latin nectere which, as we all remember from Mrs. DeGroot's Latin Class and Psycho BootCamp, means "to bind." God bless Mrs. DeGroot. Without her, we never would have known what TRUE Psychological Warfare was, and so would NOT have been prepared for, you know, dating, law school, our first time, the O-face, you know what I'm saying.

So, about this nexus. Here's the link, for all you past participial debaters: Firm MPs, not so much. Office MPs, for the most part, two thumbs up. But they're usually given an almost impossible task. They're supposed to run the office, and STILL do lawyering. Are you on Crack? No really. Are you? It's hard enough to lawyer at any time. But you want me to run this monkey house AND put in Killable, I mean Billable hours at the same damn rate as the monkeys?

Look, Erik, I know we've talked about this before, but, seriously, before your brain shrinks ANY more than it has already, you have GOT to try to inhale WITHOUT hitting the pipe, at least OCCASIONALLY. And while we're on the subject, Dude, really, STOP talking about "Vitamin-E" like anybody believes it's anything other than what it is. . .when you moved the water dispenser INTO your office. . . .please.

But that's what most Firm MPs want. While we're on the subject, could we change the term? I mean, Joe doesn't know about you, but given the supressed giggles and, frankly, outright guffaws Joe hears whenever almost EVERY "Firm MP" in the industry is referred to by that title (especially by the receptionists. . .Joe's just saying. . .a word to the wise. . .), Joe suggests another, um, "styling" or perhaps the better term would be, Joe doesn't know, what, honorary? Joe's just saying that prefacing MP with, um, Firm, isn't helping anybody. . .certainly not a lot of you who quite frankly need all the help you can get, regardless of the colour (as in blue, yellow, whatever).

But here's the thing that's really up Joe's nose (ah ha! I KNEW some of you would perk up right then. Joe should have said this HOURS ago!) What is WITH you punks and your fear of Straight Billing, by which Joe means, getting off the Hourly Billing Carousel? Joe does NOT get it. It's easy. Just stop. In Honour of Miz Nancy Reagan, Just Say No. Don't Do It.

Abandon The Hourly Billing Model. It's stupid. It sucks. It's mythic. It's phony. It doesn't even frickin' work. And no true professional does it anyway. Think about it. Does your Surgeon bill by the hour? Oh, HELL no. If you asked her to, would she? Oh HELL no. If you said "Do it, or else I'm getting another Surgeon!" what would she do? She'd say "I understand completely. Please let me know where to send your records," and she'd turn on her very stylish heel and disappear back into her office, and call you a stupid, well, it rhymes with duck.

Does your Dentist charge by the hour? Not on your by the hour, six-minute incremented life. When you call his assistant Fred, you find out that it's going to cost $27,000 to restore that smile you let go to hell back to even the most BASIC level of decency, and as you write that check to deplete your bank account, you say to yourself, "Well, that represents X number of hours of extra work for me, dammit!"

But not your Dentist. He says "Well, that's one case. A toughie, yes indeedy. Thank God these Beagles spend their lives in six-minute increments, and won't spend six minutes a day brushing, flossing, and irrigating their nasty mouths. Paradise Island, here I come."

Now, Joe, you might be saying, there are LOTS of professions that charge by the hour. And, Joe would have to agree that there are. Plumbers. Electricians. HVAC people. People who can charge triple time when you call them at 2 a.m. on Sunday morning because your house blew all the circuits and you're standing there with NO power, and in three hours, you have to jump YOUR skanky butt in the shower, in order to catch a red-eye to Boston, where you ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT charge triple-time to a client who's dragging you in to do a dog-and-pony show for a client who cares not a bit about the fact that your kid is in the play on Monday afternoon at 3:30, his first ever, and YOU won't be there, because YOU are stuck in an hourly billing cycle, and all that matters is frickin' face time, because if your skanky butt isn't there in front of the client, you can't BILL the client.

Because YOU don't bill for value, YOU bill for, I don't know, RESEARCH, or Court Time, or Dog-and-Pony shows, or something. YOU don't bill for results. . .you only get to bill the client when you're DOING something.

Your Surgeon, on the other hand, is billing for her knowledge, skill, and ability. That operation may only take her 2, 3, 4 hours. MAYBE, if there are complications, it might take more. But, that's okay with you. In fact, you're VERY hopeful she's in and out. You would, IN FACT, prefer that she be in and out. You'd LOVE the hell out of that. Her fee is $15,000.00, no matter how long it takes. She said so. Fine, you said.

And, if she comes back and tells you, "Hey, Mikey, the surgery went SO smoothly. . .we were in and out in about 75 minutes. . .your recovery was lightning fast. . .you're like a GENIUS patient. From induction to clearance out of Recovery, I think you were, I don't know, maybe four hours tops. You're the shortest case ever!" you'll probably kiss her, if you're not too groggy.

Not YOU boy. The hourly billing model PUNISHES you for being a genius lawyer. It's completely f'ed up. And, if you're really REALLY good, you get punished even more. What if you're not only a genius effing lawyer, but a LUCKY genius lawyer. You're freakin' broke!

And, if you're a lucky genius lawyer that juries, or judges, or BOTH, love Love LOVE, you don't even have enough money for the bus, and you probably live with your mom. Trust Joe. Joe knows.

So. Change the freakin model. Charge for value. If your client doesn't like it, find another client. Explain it to them. If you're any good. If you are, then it doesn't have to be a problem. If you're not, then the hourly billing model was MADE for you.

Joe thinks it was lame-ass lawyers who came UP with the hourly model in the first place. And the corporate boneheads (pushed by equally lame-ass accountants, who ALSO sucked, for the same damn reasons; genius accountants are GOOD and FAST; Joe's accountant is so good, Joe would . . .well, Joe can't say, but the guy is a freakin' Rock Star!) went for it hard and fast. Joe appreciates the hard and fast, but, seriously.

Charge for value. Charge for what you CAN do. Don't be a wuss. If your clients aren't with it, GET NEW CLIENTS. By the way, can ANYBODY tell Joe when lawyers started becoming cowards? There WAS a time when Lawyers freakin' ROCKED! Joe dug that. Joe misses that.

Love Your Recruiter! The dirty way.


JoeRecruiter.