Joe is Ashamed. . .so So SO Ashamed. Even Joe's shame. . . is Ashamed. Joe has been away far, far too long. If Joe could, Joe would tell you all about it, but then I'd have to kill you, and I only have fifteen rounds (actually, Joe's never seen an actual weapon in real-live life, but that sounds bloody correct. . .judges?).
Let me just say, for those of you who are DYING to know, that it's been a bloody adventure, and as soon as the pictures come back from Super-Duper-Mart, I SWEAR, we'll all look at them together, kay?
And, for those of you who notice these things, I'm flipping in and out of third-person indiscriminately, for no other reason than because I feel like it, so there. There are some housekeeping details Joe MUST deal with.
Blogger/blogspot/blog-r-us, whatever, being administered/tortured/you-get-the-idea by the kind of people who come up with these ideas, and being what it is, Joe has decided NOT to publish comments, as much as he would like to, only because they're all gushy and glowy, but, if the commentators would like to resubmit their comments in the form of a question (and where has Joe heard that before, he pondered), with email addresses, Joe WOULD be happy to answer said questions; for some unknowable reason, there was no way to know the delightful and charming correspondents' questions, concerns, death threats, etc.
As some of you will recall, Joe has, from time to time, made it a practice to visit Jr. Partner in the totally extreme West, in that Dungeon of Depravity known as Las Vegas, the Citadel of Sin, or, as Joe likes to call it, El Ciudad Sinho (BTW, y'all, Joe KNOWS. . . . .never mind, it's a private joke anyway). As many of you ALSO know, one of Joe's almost favourite recruiters lives there as well, and works for a very good firm based there. I should say, uh, "worked."
Joe is obligated to report that a couple of weeks ago this very VERY good recruiter, whom (who?) many beagles in the profession know, suddenly separated from the firm for whom he had worked for some time. That's not unusual, of course. People come, and they go. What Joe found unusual, and a little puzzling, was the reason for the departure. On the other hand, Joe finds Childproof lids puzzling, so what does Joe know? Of course, neither the firm NOR this very well-respected recruiter has said anything to Joe.
However, the word on the street is that this particular recruiter is no longer with the firm specifically because the firm became aware of the recruiter's particular diversity status. Without being too specific, Joe understands that the firm became aware of a specific orientation involving this recruiter. Given that this particular recruiter is extremely well-known for having specific expertise in diversity recruiting, and given that the firm was trying to build its reputation for expertise in this specific area of recruiting, Joe found the whole thing a bit bizarre.
The good news is that the recruiter is supposedly going Solo, and, while Joe HATES competition of any kind, let's be honest, nobody is REALLY any competition to Joe anyway, so, from Joe to Mr. Las Vegas, best wishes, and I hope you and the Mister will be very happy together (ah, young love is so. . .so. . .please excuse Joe. . .I need an absorbent tissue).
And why did Joe waste YOUR valuable time, and HIS valuable screen real estate to tell you this story? Because, it's important to help young whipper-snappers just starting out. And this young family, what with the baby coming and all. . .besides, this boy KNOWS Jr. Partner, and Joe knows Jr. Partner, and log-rolling is a time-honored tradition, and, at some future time, Joe might want HIS log, uh, rolled, if you take his meaning. . .just keep your eyes out, for pity's sake, and support the profession is all Joe's saying. Young love. All that. Besides, he's getting married for Heaven's sake. Joe thinks. No announcement yet. Wonder if they'll both wear tuxes. Who throws the bouquet? Anyway.
Sorry, Joe wandered off the topic for a minute. Okay, maybe FRACTIONALLY more than a minute.
So, with absoLUTEly no intended reference to the above (and I totally mean this!), "WHAT", you may ask, "is up your butt, Joe?", and I would say, "Y'all, I am getting damn sick and tired of Recruitment Directors and Other Than MPs/MDs being in charge of Attorney Hiring, that is what is up my butt, and it's beginning to chafe, or whatever stuff does when it is up Joe's butt," although Joe must confess, he doesn't actually have any experience of this. Stuff up Joe's butt, he means.
Here's Joe's point. Recruiting managers are all fine, and so on, but they tend to be an inefficient layer of goo in between decision-makers and recruiters. Somebody has to be able to execute a decision. That's the first problem. There's more.
The next problem is this. Everybody and their dog is trying to find a way to increase retention. The answer's pretty easy. Stop letting Partners be dicks to Associates. Tell Partners that being a good lawyer is all well and good, but Associates are not their personal ass-boys and girls, and the two don't necessarily go together; it's not necessarily a spoils system. And stop thinking that you can jack starting pay every six months, make a big announcement, and then back-end it by raising hourly billing minimums. Seriously.
At some point, you're going to burn out even hard-core Associates; I mean, Joe knows Associates at some BigLaws that're pumping out 2300 hours. Why? Because, the MINIMUM is 2100 hours. But you know, and Joe knows, an associate CAN'T bill every hour they log, it's impossible. So they pump out as many hours as they can, and they pray to whatever (Insert Diety or non-Diety here) they believe/don't believe in that some of them will stick to whatever wall they throw them at. And if they're really lucky, they don't get stuck with a Partner, Team Leader, or MP like most of you out there, because most of you SUCK.
Okay, changing voice, pitch, manner and tone, so don't get lost. This is for those of you who think you know what "firm culture" is. You don't. Maybe Joe spoke too soon. Take this test. Do you know Deal and Kennedy? Pacanowski? Smircich? Malanowski? Schein? Weick? Do you understand the difference between an Interpretivist Perspective and a Structuralist Perspective? Yeah? Okay, MAYBE you understand "firm culture." If you don't know EVERY SINGLE ONE of the terms Joe listed above, you don't know sickum about culture, so don't ever use that word again, unless you have season tickets to the Opera in your city.
By the way, those names are just the teeniest, tiniest, itsiest, bitsiest, ittiest, bittiest piece of the smallest molecule of the smallest piece of what is involved in "culture," and, except insofar as the reference to Malanowski, we haven't even discussed the legend, story, and mythographic linkages, not to mention the narratological links, so don't for even a fraction of a millisecond think you have a handle on what constitutes "culture." And don't, please God, get Joe started on "Meaning."
Joe's point, now that you're about to lose that Non-Fat Half-Caff Lite-Iced Semi-Sweet Quad-Shot Double-Foam Caramel Macchiato (they hadn't the heart to tell you that "macchiato" technically means espresso "marked" with foam), is that there's a lot Law Firms could actually do if they CARED to, but they probably don't, which is actually frickin' stupid, because they waste an ASSload of time, money, and resources, and they also waste an assload of their clients' time, money, and resources, just on bringing new Associates (and new Partners, and new teams), up to speed on files, cases, issues, and whatnot, to educate them on stuff that was happening or is happening, when they COULD have saved all that money for bonuses, or rebates, or discounts, or, hell, Joe don't know, whatever, hookers, who cares?
But, NO, they'd rather act like a bunch of frickin' dorks and waste time, money, and effort, not to mention trips to Vegas, and quality hookers, and, you know, lap dances and booze for hell's sake, than wise their dumb asses up, and just reel these crazy Partners in for five minutes, and sit 'em down, and say:
"Look, ya frickin' dork, I know you get off on terrorizing Associates, but this crap has GOT to stop. No, lemme be clear. This crap WILL stop, and it WILL stop right frickin' now, or you are SO done, and no matter how good you think you are, you aren't THAT good, buddy boy (or missy, whatever; Joe digs missy), so take whatever pills you need to take; drink whatever protein supplement you need to drink; buy a tasty energy drink, or a frosty cola beverage; ingest a much beloved food; engage in a much needed workout; consult with your spiritual, financial, or other professional advisor; get a cherished animal companion; be one with nature; get your chakras aligned, or tuned up, or rotated, or have them removed, or what-the-f-EVER, but get your act together, and get it together right damn now, 'cause things are gonna be different, starting right this second, you get me?!"
And that, really, is that. It really is almost that easy. For law firms where it isn't quite that easy, then the exec committees need to meet and, crazy idea, execute a contract wherein one requirement of every single attorney is that they be required to adhere to a basic code of decency and professionalism toward one another.
Joe isn't saying they have to kiss up to one another. Joe wouldn't do that under pain of death. In fact, Joe would PREFER death to having to be nice to some coworkers, (which is why Joe has flown solo since 1879). Joe actually has a contract rider that SPECIFICALLY gives him the right to inflict tortious and painful verbal abuse upon coworkers, managerial persons, and those who specifically sign his checks and pay him. There is, in fact, specific language that permits Joe to "bite the hand that feeds him." Literally. But that's just Joe. Joe is bad.
There's more coming. But Joe has step away for a minute. A very juicy looking hand just passed by in the hallway, and Joe is feeling a bit peckish. But first, I gotta review some contract language.
Love your Recruiter!
JoeRecruiter
THE Legal Recruiter
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